Tsukasa Tenma and his Well-Hidden Anxiety

Ch.2

"Oh my God! Are you okay, Tsukasa?" He can hear Emu cry.

"What happened?" Nene.

The ringing in his ears drowns out their voices. It's painful and maddening to the point where he can't hear those right in front of him. What are they saying now? Are they worried? Angry? Disappointed?

Desperately looking for a wait out of confronting them, Tsukasa falls back into that old, familiar routine.

"...m sorry..." He begs. "Sorry, I'm sorry, please forgive me, it won't happen again I promise, I'm so sorry..."

He pleads through his tears, hoping that it'll somehow ease the yelling and hatred that's about to come.

Instead, there's a gentle hand rubbing his back. The noise in his head clears somewhat. Slowly and shakily, he gets himself to sit up and look at the face in front of him.

"Are you alright?" Nene asks, concern etched into her brows. "Are you having trouble breathing or anything?"

Tsukasa finds that his words are trapped in his throat, so all he can do is shake his head.

Nene sighs. "That's good. Can you stand?" She extends her hand out to him. He takes it, and with her help, lifts himself off the floor.

"Tsukasa! Are you okay?! What happened?!" Emu exclaims suddenly. The volume is a shock to his ears and he finds himself scooting away from her. "Emu," He hears Nene whisper. "Lower your voice, please. Don't crowd him." Emu nods, then steps away.

"Are you willing to tell us what's wrong?" Nene asks him. "It's okay if you don't want to."

Those are words he's never heard before. Before he knows it, Tsukasa is asking her, "Is it really?" His voice breaks slightly. The girl nods, smiling. "I want to know what you're comfortable doing right now."

It almost sounds too good to be true. Sweat and shame build in his throat, trying to stop him from speaking. He manages to whisper, "Can we... stop? For today? Please." He gets quieter with every word. This whole... situation, is now completely new to him. Never had he broken down like that and been asked what he wanted; it's always been what others wanted from him.

Which is why he was so surprised when Nene simply smiled and said, "Of course, whatever you need," And walked away.

A much nicer response than what he was expecting. He almost feels spoiled by such treatment.

After the danger has passed, Tsukasa's head clears enough for him to remember the one other person who was with them there.

His director is still sitting in one of the seats in the audience, seemingly indifferent to the situation.

–

Rui's thoughts are flooding his mind, emotions running through him one by one.

What happened? He said he was okay. Was he lying? I should've paid more attention. This is even worse than the last time. Why did he say it was okay? Why did I believe him? This is my fault. I caused this. Why am I-

"Uh... Rui?" That voice comes from above him, loud and clear enough to be fairly close. He shoots his head up to see Tsukasa waving at him with a bashful smile.

"Sorry, I could see you were spiraling. We're all finishing up early today." He says, then adds, "...If it's okay with you, of course!"

Why is he asking for my approval? "It's totally fine. Please don't feel bad." Rui says as he begins to stand. He can't stop himself from asking, "Wh... what happened? When you were up there, I saw you just... froze. Was it my fault or-"

Tsukasa cuts him off. "No! No, it wasn't your fault. A-and I'm doing okay now, I promise."

"If you're okay, then what happened earlier? Please tell me."

Rui watched as the boy averts his eyes. Tsukasa starts hunching his back and folding his arms, making himself look a lot smaller. It's an unexpected contrast to his normal outgoing, confident self.

Tsukasa opens his mouth, then closes it. Then, he mutters, "Can we... talk about this another time? Please?"

And if the horrible amount of sadness and exhaustion and downright fear that Rui heard in Tsukasa's voice wasn't enough to break his heart, then he doesn't know what will.

"Of course." He tries to smile. One of them has to be somewhat stable in this conversation, no matter how false it is. "You should go home and take a rest, Tsukasa." The concern leaks into his voice no matter what. "Take as much time as you need, okay? I'll be here to listen to you." No matter how afraid I am of what you'll say.

"...You sure?" He asks quietly. Rui nods in reply.

"...Okay. Thank you."

"Of course. Above everything, we're friends, and I want to be here for you." Yes. Friends.

That somehow manages to bring a small smile to Tsukasa's face. "Thanks. I... want to be there for you too."

Oh My God.

...

"Yes, well. I'll go... pack my things, then." Stop that! This is not the time nor place to be freaking out! "Uh, feel free to call me whenever, okay?" Rui grabs his things and hastily begins walking away. If he stands here with him for just one more moment, he just might end up making it known how he feels, and that would just cause more problems.

Rui waves goodbye and begins walking quickly away from their stage, not daring to look back at whatever expression Tsukasa might be wearing right now. It doesn't matter what it is, and he can't think properly to make any assumptions, but he just knows it would probably kill him on sight.

Ever since they'd met, Rui had seen Tsukasa as an extremely confident, outgoing, somewhat obnoxious person. And he was, constantly. Rui and the others had just assumed that he was like this forever, and it came naturally to him.

He should've known it was too good to be true.

There's no way someone could take everything Rui would throw at them and be okay with all of it. It was his fault for not thinking twice about it, and making Tsukasa give in out of pity.

He thought this time would be different, that this group wouldn't judge him and leave him for his unreasonable ideas.

They've been a troupe long enough for him to know they wouldn't, though; Tsukasa will probably keep saying that he's fine and keep letting himself get hurt before rejecting Rui's ideas.

He probably cares about Rui as much as Rui cares about him. He probably won't leave him, or let himself admit when he's been hurt by him.

Maybe this time, Rui is the one that should leave.