Tsukasa Tenma and his Well-Hidden Anxiety

Ch. 5

{ A/N- Heyyyy guess who updated lmao. i'm finally feeling able to write this so it should b done soon anw enjoy }

Tsukasa was relieved when he managed to get through the day without Emu breaking into their school to bother him again. Unfortunately for him, it did not rain that day, and their scheduled practice was still on. Every glance of the clock or checking of his phone raised his anxieties, knowing he couldn't simply act like they were all ignoring it for much longer. For as much as Tsukasa constantly reminds his friends to address their issues and talk about them together, he didn't really expect to be the one who had to do the sharing.

Which surely is a silly thing to think. Did he really think he could just continue seeing the other three constantly and not expect his unresolved issues to bubble up someday?

Yes, yes he did.

As he's packing his things into his bag, Tsukasa thinks about the last time he had opened up to someone.

He only vaguely recalls snippets of what happened, or how he felt. Not that he ever remembers much of anything nowadays, anyway. All that's clear to him was that it was between him and his parents, and it had ended with them yelling at him for being selfish. Since then, he's gradually learned to hold back his concerns. After all, no good change will happen and he'll just cause stress for everyone else.

But then, his crazy director told him to always let him know if he was uncomfortable doing something. He assumed it was simply a formality, so he always said yes to whatever he asked of him. Even if it was overwhelming, or sounded like it wouldn't be a very good experience... for the senses.

What if Rui was genuinely asking him if he was okay with it? Despite the assumptions people make about him, Rui cares deeply about the well-being of his friends and would never want to put them in any real danger. Maybe if Tsukasa had just told him what he wasn't comfortable with, he wouldn't have had such an embarrassing breakdown yesterday.

He can't help but think about Rui's feelings now. After what happened with their Halloween show, Tsukasa tried to reassure him that he wanted to be under Rui's direction, no matter how abstract it may be; he told him that he knew his own limits and would properly communicate when they were bothered.

And just with a simple mistake, all of his words then seem to have lost all meaning. What could Rui be thinking about Tsukasa now? He's broken his promises and betrayed his best friend... There's no way he's not annoyed with him in some way.

—

Rui thinks back to the time before he met Tsukasa.

It's all far too fresh in his mind; he's only been in this troupe for a few months, after all, yet he already feels quite at home in their little group. To be able to write plays with Nene again was already more than he could ask for, and yet he's been blessed with such a wonderful group of friends that he never thought he'd need.

They're always willing to try out his ideas, and they're able to talk about their collective passions for hours on end. Rui was excited enough to talk about his love for theatre without judgement, but to get a response is a whole other experience. They all have a collective habit of losing track of time when they're too deep in a conversation.

Rui smiles at the thought. He never would have hoped this would happen to him; it was too good to be true. And yet, for the past few months, that was real life.

...

Rui understood that his ideas were often extremely abstract and many were hesitant to try them out. Not that he blamed them ever; he knew he was different than other people and had come to peace with it. He knew that he'd need to communicate what he wanted to do with his friends and make sure that they were also comfortable with it. Before every rehearsal, Rui would ask each member how their day was and how they were feeling. Whenever he wants to try something new, He'll ask the actors how they feel about it.