Lil' Hazza and That Philosopher's Stoned

Get in Loser, We're Going Shopping

Haggers, ever the therapist, decides that Hazza needs some major therapy to get over the traumatic experiences the Dursleys put him through. But not just any kind of therapy. 

Retail therapy. 

Let's skip a few bits, because I'm lazy af, and get to the part where Haggers bangs his magic stick on a wall, like the looney he is. The wall then splits apart (like Kim K and Kanye West), so I guess hitting it with a stick worked. Pop off Haggers, ig. 

(Oh, I should probs mention that before this, Hazza was swarmed by randos in a pub who he had never met before, who wanted to shake his hand, including one of the teachers from the school of crackheads, Quirrell, a.k.a Identity Crisis.)

Anyway, Hazza is like 'sheesh' because now they're in Diagon Alley (which is supposed to be a pun on 'diagonally'), and he's never seen a main shopping street before, cos the Dursleys were dry af.  

But then Hazza is like 'oh shit, bro, I'm broke af', and Haggers is like 'oh dw fam, your parents had a helluva lotta cash', and then Hazza is like 'oh cool, I have a fortune' (still not having had a big freak out about his identity, btw, like this could all be a huge child trafficking scam). 

But anyway, Haggers takes him to a big ass vault in Gringotts absolutely choc-a-bloc with MOOLAH, and Hazza's like 'I just got paid, do do do do, (I'm broke but I'm ballin', don't know where we're going, etc. etc.' like the Meghan Trainor song. 

Ps. Haggers picks him a manky little package, but that's so irrelevant to the plotline. 

So then, with his new dough, Hazza goes on a splurge and buys some new fits, and whilst he's in a dress shop, Hazza lowkey disses Malfoy (who he had run into), because Malfoy gave out bade vibes and negative energy. Slay king, okurrrr. 

Anyway, once Hazza has got new drip, and is looking snatched af with his boujee new dresses, Hazza and Haggers go to buy a pet owl, Hedwig, a.k.a The Best Character In The Entire Series. 

Then Haggers gives Hazza a train ticket and is like, 'get this random train from this platform that doesn't exist', and Hazza, once again, is just like 'yh dope'. 

Hazza clearly doesn't understand the concept of stranger fucking danger, as we will see later. 

Then Haggers is like 'peace out homie, catch me later, dm me if u need sumting, Imma fuck off back to Warthogs now so ttyl.'