A Lost Hope

CHAPTER ONE

               

The day was Tuesday. Tuesday 15 July, 2002. It was a day I had looked forward to. It was also the day I had wished won't come. Whichever way, that day was Tuesday, and I couldn't wait for it to be over.

Earlier when I walked into the room, I chose to sit on the front row so I could have a good view of the door. I wanted to see the look on the face of my beloved wife when she walk in.

I didn't know if I was suppose to be nervous, but I was. I was so very much nervous. My heart kept beating too fast in my chest.
I wasn't supposed to be feeling uncomfortable, but I was. I was exhausted and tired of everything. I kept my face forward so I won't make a mistake of looking back at her parents and siblings.

It took almost an hour before she was finally walked in. She was walked with with handcuffs in her hands. I sat up on my chair and took a deep nervous breath.
She had changed a lot. I had too. She was asked to say her name, which she did. The talk went on and on and on. The questions went on and on. I was called out to testify to somethings, which I did.
I made sure I avoided an eye contact with her. I didn't want to see whatever she was feeling through her eyes. I said all I could, and I said all against her without lying.
After the questioning I was asked to return to my seat, and finally what I wanted to hear was said. The truth was, I didn't know if that was what I truly wanted to hear.
  "Mrs Beatrice Smith, you're hereby sentence to a life imprisonment for the murder of Hope Smith." the judge said.

I didn't know if I was suppose to cry, but I did. I bent my head and I cried profusely. I cried for different reasons. I did because of the way her mom won't stop wailing. I did because I wasn't going to see her again. I did because I knew of the millions of things she told she wanted to do. I did because of the love we shared and mostly because a voice in my head kept telling me that I was the reason behind all that happened.
I wiped my face and raised my head when I heard her begging the officers to allow her speak to me before she was taken away.
There was no tears in her eyes, but still it was obvious she was dead inside. I bit the side of my cheek to stay calm when she stood in front of me.
Her mom and siblings quickly rushed to her side. Her mom held unto her trousers and kept wailing.
She didn't look at her or say a word to her. She concentrated on me.
   "I am sure you will never forgive me for making that mistake, but trust me, it was a mistake, I can't explain it. It wasn't an intentional act, and I wish it didn't happen. She was mine too. I loved her. I'm sorry. I'm very sorry."
Then the tears came and she cried. She cried so hard. She kept on apologizing and begging me to find a place in my heart to forgive her, and when she was done I let her leave without saying a word to her. Not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't know what to say to her.

Her mom kept crying after her, she kept crying until she slumped and collapsed on the floor. Her children quickly knelt down beside her to lift her up.
I rushed towards her to help, but I was asked to stay back and leave them alone.

I slowly went back to the chair I was sitting and took my seat. I rested my head in my hands. I knew I was doomed and was going to be miserable for a long time of my life.

"You're a bad person" "You took the wrong step?" "You acted without thinking." The voice in my head didn't want to shut up.
   "Mr Smith?"
I looked up and a man who has a press tag on his shirt was seated beside me.
"Can I speak with you?"
I sat back on the chair and stared at him for a long moment, then I nodded.
"How did it all happen?"