Scorn and Devotion

Chapter 48

Warnings - unrequited love, sadness, smut, unprotected sex, friends with benefits, oral (female receiving), fingering, panic attack

I woke up with an awful stomach ache. Tomorrow, tomorrow Timothée would announce who he had chosen to marry him. I felt on the verge of tears. I had tried desperately to reconcile myself with the fact that he would be engaged in less than forty eight hours, but it wasn't working.

I tried many things. I didn't go to breakfast or seek him out. I began to pack my bags for Knight School. I went to the armory and was fitted for my suit of armor, and I also paid the blacksmith for the amazing work she'd done for Archangel. It didn't work, my stomach still spun with sadness, and my face was swollen from crying. I wished I had not been so stupid, and had asked him to attened to me after the ball. I had faked sleep when he had knocked on my door to ask if I wanted my favor returned.

Another knock at my door broke me from my thoughts as I was packing my bags. It was Timothée and I had to slow my breathing so it didn't look like I had just been crying. I scrubbed at my eyes hoping it would help.

"So, you are really going?" he questioned. I kept my back turned to him, hoping I could hide the fact I'd been sobbing all day.

"Yeah, I am excited," my voice sounded a bit strained, but it didn't break. "Are you excited to be engaged?"

Suddenly, I was being swirled around, and crushed in a near bone breaking hug. I buried my face in Timothée's chest, taking in his smell.

"I am fucking terrified," he murmered, and I could hear real fear in his voice.

"It can't be that bad," I tried for a chuckle. He stayed silent. I wondered what he hated about the idea so much? Juliet and Katherine at least were nice. Arrangements like this didn't really need love. The title covered a lot of the requirements, he could live in completely separate quarters if he wished.

"I'll be going now, I have a lot to think about," he sighed as he drew back. I nodded, biting my lip, hoping the pain would keep me from crying.

The day dragged on after I had officially finished packing. I spent most of the evening staring at a wall as the sun slipped lower and lower in the sky. I jumped when I heard the small chime from my clock that meant it was officially midnight. I didn't know how long I had been there, just staring, but I knew it must have been hours because I had started when the sun was still up. I laid down, my back aching from the unsupported sitting. I knew I wouldn't fall asleep, but it would be more comfortable. I wondered if I would regret this come morning. I had never been on a boat, so perhaps I wouldn't be able to sleep through the journey. Perhaps, I'd be sick the whole way there.

Knock. Knock. Knock. My breathing hitched as I listened to the sound. I got up, schooling my face into normalcy, it was probably just my mother, ready to threaten me about tomorrow. Perhaps it was my father, wishing me luck. There was no way to know unless I opened the door.

"I need you," they were the first words from Timothée's mouth. He looked haggard, and I realized I hadn't taken a close look at him earlier today. He was unshaven, circles under his eyes, lip bloody from biting off the skin.

My heart thudded wildly in my chest at the words. I realized this was the first time he had come to me for anything. I had initiated all our other rendezvous. I desperately wanted to fall into his arms and give him absolutely everything he wanted, but I knew that was lovesick y/n talking. The Y/n Timothée knew would poke fun at him.

"Oh yeah?" I smirked. "Need some help? Need some distraction?"

"Yes," he breathed. "Anything, anything you have to give, please. Make me feel good."