Unapologetic Lies

Background: 4

Aside from all this, I watched my mother as she came into my hospital room and hugged me.  One would assume that since she only has the option to steal clothes, which stealing isn't a flex I always condoned, she would at least try, and get clothes for me too.  What I really found surprising is that my mother came into the hospital, and my room in hopes to "get along".  Little does she know, I was talking to my nurse a few seconds before my mother came by, and kinda hoped the nurse wouldn't let her in.  But that alone would be a whole conversation, and I'm afraid of ending up with my mother in the end.  Again, how is it I am still living with her?  We are obviously not well taken care of, and my mother can barely take care of her own selfish desires while having a child.  Being as though my mother, and father had tried many times before I came along, I consider myself the "miracle child".  With this in mind, I thought I was dumb enough to believe that since my parents did try to have a child, and I appeared, maybe then my mother would love me.  And I know I sound like a broken record, but that’s all I really wanted, but I guess since it;s all about her, her son’s wants are left on the back burner. 

"I brought you some flowers my son, your favorite"

Colin: "My favorite flowers"?

"Yes of course, white roses".

Mother would smile in confidence, stroking her hand in my hair, playing with my curly hair.  In reality, I never had a favorite flower, but my father did.  Mother, for all my life, would get me and dad confused.  And sometimes I think that's why she treats me the way she does.  But is it really my fault for how my mother treats me?  Does she now have a sixth sense to maybe understand how this could be affecting her child, she is abusive after all.  Upon her sitting down and watching the T.V. On the wall, the roses sat beside me on the windowsill.  Soaking in the beautiful sunlight.  From there I never wanted to be anything but those flowers at that very moment.  How they could just live, and not worry about anything else.  Just being wrapped up, resting under the warm sun, and catching a cool breeze that brushes against your face.  Mother must have noticed I was looking at the flowers for a good moment, and took this chance to harass me.  And then whispering in my ear some more, whatever she knew she could say to get even the slightest of reactions out of me. Whenever I tried to ignore her, I could feel her pinching, and pulling on my skin, as if I wasn't trying to recover and just be as healthy as possible.  As if I wasn’t trying to live, and sleep as much as I could without being woken up.  Which amazes me now, since I am in a hospital gown, how is it no one questioned me about the cigarette burns all over my upper shoulders and arms? So many questions with so little to no answers. 

"Son, soon you will be back in school, and then you can be all around your friends again".

Colin: "Jason is no friend of mine".

"Don't lie to me, there is no Jason at your school".

Mother's voice was now pretty annoyed.  She couldn't help but stare off into the windows of the hospital, and then the door from the room I was listed in.  She would look around, making sure no one could see, and then smacked me in my face as she always did.  The blinds on the door were down, since that is what I always prefered, so even if she did check, or didn't, no one would know anything at all, but I did have my remote in hand, and called for my nurse again to appear.  When she did show up, a smile had been shown on my face, and I guess this did not amuse mother, of course it didn't.  Nothing pleased my mother, not even her own accomplishments, which were also very slim to none, but when she saw how happy I had gotten when my nurse arrived, this caused my mother to yell, and lash out towards my nurse.  My nurse was a black woman, who always came off so gentle, but once mother came at her, the nurse was not okay with that, and I don't blame her.  All my life I wanted to fight back, but right now I can't.  How is it we are even paying for me to stay in this hospital, or even once I leave?  Again so many damn questions and yet no answer.  My nurse would remain calm, and offer my mother to leave if she felt disrespected, or to "send your son to another hospital, if that's the case".  I would shout, using whatever strength I had to muster up the confidence of talking, and this would later be seen as disagreeing with my mother, and in my mother's eyes, picking sides. 

"Please let me stay here".

Mother would turn around, rasing her hand, and bringing it down to hit me again, but the nurse gripped her.  Holding my mother's wrist's tightly in her grasp, not letting go, and pulling her away from me.