Everlasting

Chapter 26

Wulfric

It wasn't working.

I had been trying to become human for almost an hour, and it simply was not working. I had tried to will myself to be human, and when that failed, I tried to convince myself that it was something I truly wanted. The trouble was, I had never been good at lying to myself. Even with the price of vampirism and even with my throat aching with thirst, there was no changing the fact that I wished to remain as I was.

I sank deeper into the couch and looked over at Griffin just as his eyes darted over to try and steal a glance at me. It was a little amusing, the way Griffin tried to pretend he wasn't focused on me.

"Is everything okay?" Griffin asked in the tone of one who knows that the person they are asking is very much not okay.

"It isn't working," I confessed, growing a little irritated with my failure. None of my siblings before me had had any trouble at all with releasing themselves of the curse. It had been a simple thing, done in moments. Done so quickly, none of us had ever understood it was a choice and not a compulsion. Yet here I was, still a vampire after – I glanced at the clock and sighed – fifty minutes of failure.

"Hm," Griffin hummed. "It's supposed to be a want, right?"

I nodded hesitantly. If he suggested that I hadn't been trying to want to be human, I might slam my head on the table.

"Let's try and focus on the positives. I know this isn't what you would have chosen for yourself, Wulfric, but there must be some ways this would make your life better? Won't it be great to get to eat food again?"

I made a face. The idea of eating solids was completely repulsive to me at the moment, but there had been times I'd craved it. So, what would be good about being human? "Well-"

"No!" Griffin cut me off. "Don't say it out loud. I don't want you to get in your head about it. This is just for you, to make you feel better. I don't need to know what you're thinking right now."

It took me a few moments to understand. Griffin might expect me to become preoccupied with making sure I gave reasons he would approve of instead of focusing on the exercise. It was very thoughtful of him. "Thank you."

"No problem. Now, close your eyes and concentrate."

I did as I was told, shutting my eyes and meditating on the prompt: what would be good about being human?

The first and only reason that came to mind immediately was making my brother and Griffin happy. It took several long minutes before I could name anything else.

If I considered my current existence, I was a parasite. I took in the vitality of others to preserve myself. Perhaps that was not so different from eating meat to survive, except for the critical difference: I wasn't preying on beasts, but on humans. And even though some dark part of me preferred to continue that rather than accepting humanity, that wasn't how I truly felt.

Was that enough to do it? Could that be enough to convince myself to embrace humanity?

Apparently not, since I still felt the same.

I searched within myself once again for a reason to become human, and came up blank. There must be something, surely.

I registered the sound of Griffin getting up and moving around the room, then sinking down onto the couch next to me. His hand gently rested on my arm and he asked, "Wulf? Would you rather leave this until tomorrow? It doesn't have to be now."

The words relaxed a tension I hadn't been aware of carrying. Griffin was right, of course. I could choose to remain myself for another day, but I wanted to get this resolved sooner. It would be a drain on the witches to have to remove the curse from me as well as Edmund and my father, and my pride prevented me from allowing such an outcome. Knowing that Griffin, at least, would not think less of me for it was a relief.