Skin & Bones (bnha au)

6

I stared at the pot in front of me, tiredness and guilt making my eyelids heavy.
He didn't know me back then, and I didn't know him... So why did I feel so guilty?
The look of heartbreak and acceptance, the silent pain of desensitization to the terrifying trauma he lived though.
I felt horrible for even mentioning my problems or showing up randomly at his house, he said he didn't know how I felt but I couldn't even begin to understand the pain of losing someone like that.
That feeling of love twisting into grief.
I didn't know what to do, or say...
So I decided breakfast was the least I could do.

Of course all he had was cans of concerning looking miso soup but it was good enough.

I still wasn't exactly much better than I was yesterday, my brain was so confused.
I just watched the spoon stir the pot of soup, completely detached from the reality that I was the one stirring it.
Was I even thinking anything of substance?
I couldn't tell you.
I knew I needed to clear my head, there was only one solution plaguing my mind and it wasn't exactly an option.
I just needed him here, I needed someone to talk to.
I didn't even realize Hawks had walked into the room until he tapped me on the shoulder.

"Hey? What ya doing?"
There was a breath of clarity when he spoke.
I wanted him to be happy, that was a good distraction, that was something I could do.

"Making us breakfast."
I gave a smile that wasn't exactly forced, but let's just say I had to remind it to show up.
"Sorry I broke into your apocalypse rations but I couldn't find your real food."

He laughed at me and pushed himself up to sit on the countertop beside where I was cooking.
"Well sorry I'm not as rich as you Mr Celebrity."

I looked up and kissed him gently, he was a literal angel.
The guilt was still eating away at my mind, "a type" or not he deserved someone good, not some flighty addict like myself or whatever the fuck his first boyfriend had going on.

"I'm just glad you're still here."
Hawks muttered as though he didn't want me to hear the pain in his voice.

"Why wouldn't I be?"

He shook his head at my raised eyebrow.
"Nevermind... Remember to phone your band and let them know you're ok, no pressure though if you want to fake your death and start a new life as a criminal. I'd be down for that too."

"Yeah as tempting as that is, who'd entertain fans by storming off interviews and looking fabulous while doing so? The LoV would be sooo boring without me."
He laughed and it felt good to hear. Usually after a vulnerable moment like last night my siblings would be quiet and cautious and they meant no offence of course, but it was nice to just be treated like I was normal.

His eyes wandered from me to the meal I was cooking, it seemed to be getting more and more grim as it cooked. Maybe it was out of date?
Either way it looked as though one drop of the stuff would be enough to kill an elephant.

"That looks..."
He trailed off and honestly I agreed, definitely not the best use for my mediocre but normally decent culinary skills.

"Yeeaahhh.... How about I take you out for breakfast instead? Nothing fancy but I don't think I could serve you this with a clear conscience, consider it a final hurrah before my siblings kill me for my disappearing act last night."

Hawks blushed deeply even though to me it wasn't anything very intimate, I wasn't exactly sure why at the time but he really seemed to value things like dates.
Don't get me wrong, I've said before I was a romantic and as such I also loved going out and doing things as a couple but I guess at the time I was sort of using him...
Not cruelly of course, I liked him more than I liked anyone in a long time. But I was using those feelings I had for him as a shield against my negative thoughts.
A bitchy thing to do I know but I feel like I should emphasize once again I am NOT a good person.