gertrude the vampire vs evil centaur puppy-stepper vampire-slayer justin norris

chapter 3: the recipe

*book perspective*

chapter 23

how to defeat a centaur

centaurs are very powerful and deadly creatures, there is only one way that it is possible to defeat them and it is very risky. if you choose to follow these instructions, just know that there is a possibility that this will go wrong and it could result in acute flaccid myelitis, aids, amebiasis, anthrax, avian influenza, alphaviruses, alzheimer's disease, arboviral encephalitis, arthritis, asthma, babesiosis, botulism, brucellosis, bacterial vaginosis, blue green algae, bubonic plague, cancer, carbapenem resistant enterobacteriaceae, carbon monoxide poisoning, celiac disease, cardiovascular disease, chancroid, cages disease, chickenpox, chlamydia, chronic obstructive pulmonary disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, clostridium diffable, conjunctivitis, creuzfelt-jakob disease, crabs, cyclospora, campylobacter, cholera, cryptosporidiosis, ciguatera fish poisoning, coccidioidomycosis, colorado tick fever, coronavirus, cysticercosis, depression, diabetes, diphtheria, dengue fever, domoic acid poisoning, eastern equine encephalitis, e coli, ebola, ehrlichiosis, ehrlichiosis, enterovirus, fibroids, fibromyalgia, flu, genital herpes, giardiasis, glanders, giardia infection, german measles,  gastroenteritis, gonorrhea, gout, group a streptococcus, haff disease, harmful algal blooms, head lice, headaches, heart disease, heat related illnesses, helicobacter pylori, hepatitis a, hepatitis b, hepatitis c, high blood pressure, histoplasmosis, hiv, haemophilus influenzae serotype b disease, hand-foot-and-mouth disease, hantavirus, human metapneumovirus, human papillomavirus, incontinence, influenza, lead poisoning, legionnaires disease, leptospirosis, listeriosis, lupus, lyme disease, lymphogranuloma venereum, lassa fever, legionellosis, leprosy, meningitis, measles, meningococcal, malaria, marburg virus hemorrhagic fever, melioidosis, mrsa, methyl parathion, molluscum contagiosum, monkeypox, mumps, neonatal abstinence syndrome, naegleria fowleri, non gonococcal urethritis, noroviruses, norwalk virus, pelvic inflammatory disease, pertussis, pneumococcal disease, polio, paralytic shellfish poisoning, psittacosis, primary amble meningoencephalitis, parkinson's disease, rabies, respiratory illness due to enterovirus, rocky mountain spotted fever, rotavirus, rubella, salmonella, sarcoidosis, sars, scabies, seoul virus, stds, shigellosis, staph infection, stress, stroke, sids, syphilis, smallpox, scombroid fish poisoning, tetanus, tick-borne relapsing fever, trichomoniasis, tuberculosis, tularemia, toxoplasmosis, trichinosis, typhoid fever, typhus, west nile virus, wilson's disease, yersiniosis, yellow fever, zika virus, and even death. 

step 1: collect these following items: the soul of a child, 69 toenails, 2 lofthouse cookies, 3 chicken hearts

step 2: blend until smooth

step 3: find the ghost of a lost loved one and feed the potion to them

step 4: locate the centaur

step 5: have the ghost bite the centaur

step 6: wait until centaur is melted, then wash hands