The Thistles of Rose

2 • Forgotten

♚ Luca ♚

I wake up to the perfect way Rosa fits into my arms and her frazzled breathing. Even in her sleep, she's restless. She used to wake up with nightmares, panting, screaming and scratching at her arms.

I scan the room for the familiar lump and see Ricky sleeping on the bed at Rosa's feet.

Slowly, I climb out of the bed without waking her and grab a pen and a small strip of paper. I take a lingering look at her and write the words as they come to me.

Your smile is my dawn. Your touch is my night.

My heart is so full of

you and your beautiful light.

I leave the paper on the bedside table where she'd normally find it. I expressed my love for her every morning for the past three months to remind her how much I'm in love with her. During this time of grief, she needs to remember why she's important to me so she doesn't leave.

Fear is a coat I don't wear at all but it terrified me losing the one thing that was the reason I kept living.

I go into the bathroom and turn on the shower. When it's ready, I let the hot, steaming water soothe my exhausted muscles.

The past three months have been hell.

I lost my son. I held his dead body in my arms and I still remember his cold, lifeless weight.

I nearly lost the love of my life too. I found out that she can't have any more children which means I can't have any more. I had to listen to the sound of her wailing and I couldn't fucking do anything about it. I had to comfort her when she had nightmares while I had nightmares of my own.

And, I didn't get to be the father I wanted.

With Rosa, it instinctively comes to me that I need to be a certain way with her but she gives me the benefit of the doubt because she knows it's hard for me.

Although, Marcello was supposed to be my fresh start. I would've proven to myself that there is good in me and I'm not the man everyone fears but the man I wanted to be. A good father to my son.

But, he was dead before I had that chance. Instead of cradling my newborn son to sleep in my arms, I had to place his small, heavy coffin into the ground forever.

We had to cry goodbye before we could smile hello.

And it haunts me.

My chest starts to hurt and I only realise I'm crying from the tightness of my chest. The tears merge with the water droplets and wash away into the drain as they've always done.

I can't show her how much this hurts me because it'll only hurt her more. So, I mourn silently in the comfort of my mundane solitude.

I'm the forgotten one. I'm always the forgotten one. I was the forgotten little boy and now I'm a forgotten man. My black heart bleeds to be cradled in comfort but the only thing cradling it is myself.

It's fine because I'm used to it. I did it after I came home from being a captive. I can do it after my son was killed in front of me.

I wish I could let go.

I thought that being with Rosa, I'd be able to do that but for her, it hurts more. She carried our son inside her. She felt him grow. She felt him move. I sympathise with her, of course, I do. I just-I need her but she needs me more. 

Shutting off the thundering shower, I wrap the towel around my waist and get out. Rosa is still asleep and I sigh deeply, pressing a kiss on her forehead. I still love her, regardless. Seeing her rids me of all my intrusive thoughts because I know she means well.