Letters from a teenager with the mindset of an adult

The knife in my back of the man i do not want to be

My hands shake as i realize who i've become.

The same hands balled into tight fists to the point of white knuckles, and the loud voice that shakes pictures on the walls and sends chills down the spine of anyone unlucky to have set off such a chain reaction.

I'm becoming my father, i'm becoming the man i do not want to be, the same dull, murky brown eyes, and the same low, soothing voice, the one that wraps you into a sense of false security, the one that promises you that you'll be spared, though the knife is now in your back.

As it is in mine, the sharp, cold blade is ripped from my body before being shoved back in as i fall onto the floor, though it is not there anymore, there is nothing but an empty void in which i'm falling, and theres nothing i can do.

No way to slow the falling.

No way to stop it.

Just an endless cycle of constant reminders that i'm becoming him.

I now hold his anger as if it was my own, i hold it in the pit of my stomach to my own beating heart, where it flows through my veins, where it becomes one with my own, where it gets stronger, each and everyday.

And to no avail it has defeated my countless fights of trying to gain control, to take back who i once was and lock away who i am becoming, but nothing ever works.

For his sword is stronger than my pen, as though the wit and cunning of my truth is no match for the harsh and rough of his words, as though it is no match for his being, his power.

The power he has, time and time again to put me into a trance of false hope that his words are true, that we can rejoice and renunite, that we can go back to the good old days, where my hands did not shake, where my voice did not quiver as though I was standing in the cold, where I did not have to fight to stay who I am, to not become my father, where the sharp blades were nothing but unmolded pieces of junk, forever unthought of, and forever uneeded.

The days when I knew who I was, when I knew who I wanted to be, the days when I would not become him, when I never thought i would.