Intricacies II [Drawing book + Tag book]

doodles during school + inner thoughts

Hi <3

So even after these couple days I still haven't finished all my 41 assignments SOOOOO I'ma work on them in the weekend but during that I doodled stuff PFFFT

From that one part in the p4a manga that makes me laugh

WHY MUST YOU BE SIDE WAYS

But I fr don't care with anyone says ,, Charmy will *always* be one of my favorites. Usually I'm like "okay cool we're gonna draw a cute kid doing something and that's gonna be cream" and then I just draw Charmy lol

In coming rant ↓↓↓↓

Right now I'm kind of . . . EHHHH. I wrote a ton about everything I felt and I just feel like writing more so I'll type here xd

Haha vague thought dump time

Who knows the song Shiver?
This song always resonated with me for a long long time. Why ? I don't know , I liked how it felt. And I thought it's lyrics were sweet. Until I understood and was like man , more like bittersweet depending on the situation. Bittersweet was how I saw mine 'cause at first I was like ":(" but then I was like "well it's fine. You upheld your duty. They didn't fancy you , and that's okay." And didn't feel bad anymore. I don't let them ruin every song ever made or try to project all songs on one moment. But I just let myself feel what the song had to offer.

Now it's the present and I can't shake a feeling off me. I figured "I'm assuming , because I have to keep my guard up. It makes it a lot easier when I do." Last time it did make it a lot easier though it was still very hard to cope. I can't imagine if I didn't keep that wall up how things would turn out.
There was a huge chance I was wrong of course. "It's not always about you" , I know. But it seemed a little coincidental. Especially since I gave em my advice that it seems they now use. My plan worked and I see through them a little more clearly.

in the end I was right ,, just like the last time. And the time before that. And so on.

It's very weird being the thing I never thought I'd be. But here we are. I was always the one trying. Did you want me too change ? Well I changed for good. at first I felt angry but then it warped to apathy. It is a bit tragic to see something I had hope for fade all because I wasn't an asshole for once. 

I wanted them all to be okay ,, the ones who didn't care about me. I upheld that duty until they took my offer of "I'll be here until you don't need me anymore". I hope one in particular is in pain. But beside them that was just my futu and I just accepted that. "Don't you shiver." I'd say as a comfort.

But now they are the one who wants more. I will always be waiting for you. More that I shouldn't and that I won't give. It makes me feel like the a-hole. But I don't want to feel angry at you anymore because it's not your fault. It's mine. It is my consequence into walking the path I knew the outcome of. You were so innocent in all of it and I knew. And that is why I should be ashamed. Because if I hadn't walked down that path in the past I wouldn't have had to break multiple times. If I didn't place myself in that position I wouldn't have to hurt you in the end. You're so innocent when it comes to the war inside of me.

Collectively you and other hurt me in a way I didn't know that was possible. My seams ripped slowly and painfully. And I've no one to blame but me.

So I'll go my way. Constantly with you looking in my direction. I'll pretend to pay the things you feel no attention.

Yes I am very aware of the things you think. I know what it did when you were with out me. I know how much you needed me.

"Sometimes I feel like I'm not even seen by her." Funny you said that. Talking about me to me ,, but you make "me" hidden to me so I wouldn't suspect a thing ,, but when in reality the true me is hidden from you.

The pieces of chaos fall so predictably on the board ,, each and every time. . .

. .Don't you shiver thinking about that ?

Thank you for stopping by ily drink water rn please <3
💙🤍✨