Twos to a heart

a blank gaze

Hey! This is the first part of "Twos To A Heart" I hope you enjoy this story sense I'd love to do more like this and I'm opened to taking suggestions!! Let me list some of the trigger warnings found in Part one "a blank gaze", Self hatred of image, Self harm or abuse implied,Suicide mentioned near the end, and implied ED (I think that's all?? Please let me know if not) that's it! Enjoy "a blank gaze"

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The time moved fast now, ever sense we got back to Hawkins we've all been crammed at mikes house. I've had to switch schools again, I guess it's nice to be back. Lukas and Dustin seem to be doing alright still, Max is debatable. It's been a rough time with her. There saying she may be stuck like this forever, I really hope that's not true.

I didn't miss this feeling, the constant voices and flashbacks are driving me insane. Everything here has seemed to go to shit, not one thing has stayed the same. I miss it, Hawkins? Yes but mostly him, how he would treat me before summer last year. Sometimes I pray it gets bad again, I just want him to see me for once.

I think about that time a lot, daily sleep overs, him asking me questions and when he would put his hand on my shoulder and tell me how much I was worth. It's so different now, sometimes I think he forgets it all even happened.

"Will?" Said Mike looking at me weirdly, I must of zoned out. "Yeah? Sorry" I said looking back at my soggy cereal, gross. "It's okay! So, what are todays plans?" He seems to ask his mom but his intention is unclear. "Well we don't have any set in stone yet, anybody have any ideas?" Said my mom, cutting in before Mikes had a chance. They discussed plans as I went to throw away my food, I'm not hungry anyways.

I left the table, nobody noticed. I wouldn't either. It's probably a good idea to get dressed, I looked in my closet and pick out whatever works together. But I paused when I realized, you can still see it. Clear as day, I thought they would've gone down by now but I was wrong.

God I'm so skinny and weird, no wonder nobody loves me. I shake my head to try to clear my mind, it doesn't work. A thousand thought at once hit me, like a train on a railway. My legs start to shake a bit, I try to sit down but everything spins. Am I going to die here?

No... no! Calm down your okay, you need to be okay right now. Don't let them know. I take deep breaths and carefully continue getting dressed, I then head to the bathroom with caution the terrible thoughts still ringing through my head. I look in the mirror and my face drops Why is my hair so gross? Oily, flat.. why do I still have the same hair as 4th grade? I look so weird. I look away " Not now " I tell myself and brush my gross stained teeth, I wish they were white like hers.

I probably should go out and talk to everybody like a normal person but I'm to tired, I just wanna sleep or die even at best "not cool" the good part of my brain tells me, the part with the good memories that the bad part eats up like Sundays brunch.

"Do you think they noticed you left? Do you think they see you suffering? Do you think-" I ignored the thoughts, tried to atleast, it's hard to ignore the stabbing pain you cause yourself sometimes.

Sometimes my brain like to create things, things that aren't real but I like it convince myself they are real. I don't know what's wrong with me. So whenever my stupid brain (the bad part) says my arms are ugly now, not like they ever weren't, I make myself think it's true and move on.

I hate living here, I hate living in general. Life is actully hard to enjoy with fake friends and nobody who has ever actually cared. I try not to cry as I walk back to my room. "Hiding again will? Again? Why don't you go do something productive instead of laying here, doing nothing is wasting your pitiful life" says the bad part of my mind again.

Today is gonna be a bad day, I can just tell.  The bad side is speaking more than usual, I hate these days they make me feel awful, and like nobody's cares and I should just do it already, get it over with you know? Even though deep down I'm praying and hoping somebody still dose care, deep down I think I know who.

We're all gonna die someday, I lie away thinking at night about mine coming soon, almost like a fantasy. A brutal, heartbreaking fantasy. I think about him, there with me while it happens, I imagine him crying and begging me to stay, I imagine a world where he still cares to cover my own, sad fate.