Shark of Spades

The Story Behind the Nothingness Part III

I stared at him evenly, giving nothing away. "I don't know a Fitz."

He stared back. "Yes, you do."

"Nope."

He sighed, looking tired and worn out and...the opposite of everything he  usually was. "Look, if you're just going to deny everything, then don't  waste my time. Don't bother lying to me, either. Just tell me that it's personal and you don't want me to pry, okay?"

"It's personal and I don't want you to pry," I replied with a dead stare, and he smiled sadly.

"Fine.  I won't. Just-" He paused as though considering something. "I'll let it slide this time. But if I ever heard about your 'Fitz' again, or if you're ever having a nightmare, the first person I'm going to tell won't be you, it'll be Evan, and he won't be as thoughtful and respectful as I am about this. Okay?"

I looked down at my hands. "Okay."

Looking as though he had more he wanted to say but didn't want to drag the words out from inside himself, he got up and went back to the couch, laying down and turning over to face the wall.

Glancing at him one final time, I pulled the comforter around me and similarly rolled over to face the wall.

I closed my eyes.

***

A  week passed, playing games during the evening and grabbing sleep when I could, and although I was still troubled about the dream, it slowly sifted to the bottom of my mind.

That is, until a week or so after my dream, when I was on rotation with Jack again.

The dream not only resurfaced but continued where it last left off.

***

I  was lucky that Fitz had only given them the description of "girl" and not much else because it would have been impossible to leave town  otherwise. The only reason that I knew about the search for an "underage  runaway of about 17" was because the TV was running a special.

***

This was the incident that prompted me into memorizing the train schedules, but I hadn't thought of these things before so I was on my own, hoping that I wasn't caught and dragged back.

***

When I eventually got on a train, I rode it and unconsciously got off at the stop for my hometown, where my parents lived. Or at least, where they had lived when I last saw them, when Evan was killed.

Not sure of what I was doing but trusting my feet all the same, I ended up walking to my old house and standing in front of the door.

Everything was as I remembered, only a few shades grayer. There weren't any flowers anymore, and the mailbox was a bit faded; the driveway had cracks and the windows needed cleaning; the fence was broken in one part  and the door looked tired. Other than those minor things...the  nostalgia was overwhelming.

But when I looked at the house, I didn't see memories of my mom and dad playing with me or teaching me to read, or tying my shoes. I saw Evan chasing me when I was 5, helping me with  my homework when I was 7, hugging me and telling me that it would all be alright when I was 14. Teaching me to play cards...making me  laugh...being the older brother everyone always wanted to have.

With a sigh, I knocked on the door. What would they say when they saw me? Would they call the cops like Fitz? Would they yell at me? Or would they cry? Would they hug me and kiss me and tell me that they loved me and  missed me?

I wanted those things, very much so.

I heard footsteps, so I hurriedly removed my sunglasses and gloves. Then my mom opened the door.

We stood there, staring at each other for fifteen seconds before she spoke. As she opened her mouth, I felt my pulse quicken. How would she react? But then she said, "Who are you?"

I blinked. "What?"

She gestured behind her with impatience. "I'm busy right now. What are you selling?" She paused. "And I thought I had a no soliciting sign."

I quickly masked my face to hide all emotion and gave her a professional smile. "Sorry, Ma'am. Hate to bother you."

I took a step back and started walking away.

"Wait."

I half-turned, imagining various scenarios. Maybe she would suddenly recognize me and cry out and run over to hug me. Maybe she would shout inside for my dad to come out. Maybe she would run inside and grab the  phone and send me away...

"You work for the magazine I ordered, right? Do you know if my subscription is in yet?"

I  flashed her the same all-in-a-day's-work smile. "Sorry, Ma'am. It hasn't come in yet, but when it does, I'll be sure to have someone send it over right away. Thanks for your patronage, and have a nice day." She  gave me a tight-lipped smile and disappeared back into my house - their  house - after shutting the door.

My smile fell and I walked away with even steps.