Moments in Time

A Grey Day

Bucky had good days. He had bad days. He had in between days. And then he had grey days.

Grey days weren't anything. He just felt empty and numb, like nothing mattered. His head felt empty, his emotions were turned off. He could function, but he derived no pleasure in doing things he usually would. He didn't cry, didn't have any guilt, there was no sadness.

There was nothing but a hole inside him. There was nothing.

Usually he holed up in his room, hiding in his blankets, and keeping to himself. But this time he had a mission.

Steve knew something was up, it was pretty obvious. But Bucky didn't want to talk. What would he say anyway?

"Hey, you good?" Steve questioned, laying his hand on Bucky's shoulder in a concerned manner.

They were dressed in stealth suits, their military boots were laced tight, and their weapons were secured properly. Bucky had put his hair in a ponytail to keep it out of his face, and Steve was wearing his magnetic cuffs to recall the shield. Everything seemed to be in order.

"I'm fine," Bucky stated, waiting for Steve to remove his hand.

"Buck...if you're having a bad day, we can always call someone else in," Steve bit his lip.

"It's not a bad day," Bucky shook his head. "I'm not going to go all Winter Soldier on you. Let's go."

Bucky pushed by Steve, wishing he could feel irritated, but coming up short. He felt like he was sitting behind a wall of ice. It was sheer, he could see what was on the other side. But it was so cold he couldn't feel a single thing.

The mission perimeters were set pretty quickly, and everyone was debriefed within a few minutes of taking off. As usual, Sam and Tony were going in as air support, Nat was going to secure data and that left Steve and Bucky to set the detonation devices. Clint usually stayed with the Quinjet to secure their extraction. This time was no different.

"Hey, you good up there?" Tony tapped his head, addressing Buck. "You're quiet, and with you, that's never a good thing."

"I'm good," Bucky shrugged, turning away.

"Really?" Tony huffed. "You're not going to go crazy on us, right?"

Steve looked over at Bucky, his relaxed stance fading as he read the situation. If Bucky had been his normal self, he probably would've exploded and at least yelled at Tony, but nothing the man said could reach him.

"No, I'm not. And if I did, Steve's there to bring me back," Bucky calmly said.

"In the middle of a fight? That worked really well last time, didn't it?" Tony kept pressing the issue. "You nearly killed the man."

"That's enough, Tony!" Steve interjected.

"Why? Because it's the truth?" Tony scoffed. "If he's off, we need to know now, not in the middle of an operation."

"We talked. He's fine," Steve deadpanned. "If anything sets him off, it'll be you and these ridiculous comments right before the mission. If he couldn't do his job, he'd let me know."

~

Bucky checked his ammo pouches, satisfied that they were full, and then glanced at Steve. It was go time. Sam and Tony had already taken off, begining to pick off the guards and cover the ground team.

Once inside the building, Bucky and Steve headed toward the lower levels while Nat went to the control room. They had comms so everyone would know when to scram.

Bucky felt mindless as he got into rhythm. He charged down hall after hall, finding targets left right and center. His knives slid into skin as easily as ice melts on hot pavement. He stabbed once, maybe twice, dropping bodies fast. Steve could barely get a punch in before Bucky was there, ending the fight.

They were coming up on some structural beams they needed to bring down when a group of twelve guards happened upon the Super Soldiers. Steve veered to the left while Bucky went to the right, splitting the group.

~

Steve couldn't help but worry. Something was wrong with Bucky. He seemed stoic most the time, it was true. But that was only a facade. Underneath, he was a very emotional, sweet guy. But the way he was taking down the Hydra Agents was sending up red flags all over the place. For one thing, Bucky wasn't working as a team. Well...not how they usually did. Usually, Steve and Bucky would take the Agents down and then set the charges together.

They fought back to back, and made sure that each other were okay. Bucky was taking down everyone in his path, leaving a trail of blood and bodies behind himself. If Steve weren't a Super Soldier, he'd be left far behind.

And now that they were split up, Steve was even more worried. He focused on the six guys swarming him, deciding that Bucky could handle himself for the moment.

Before Steve had put the third guy down, Bucky was mowing the others down. Surprisingly, Bucky wasn't sporting a single scratch. It was like his mind was moving his body faster than normal.

"Come on," Bucky growled, offering a hand to Steve, who was kneeling on top of a guy.

"But he's still alive - " Steve protested.

Bucky, without blinking, drew a handgun, fired a shot and headed down the hall. Steve's mouth gaped open. Bucky hadn't even looked at the man, and still hit him square in the forehead.

~

Bucky stood in the shower, watching as blood dripped down the drain. His body was covered in it. He felt no guilt or remorse though. He knew when it came back it wouldn't be pretty, but that was for his future self to deal with.

"Hey, how're you feeling?" Steve inquired, beckoning him over to the couch as Bucky exited the bathroom.

"Fine."

"You keep saying that, but I know something's going on. Will you please tell me what's going on?" Steve sighed, handing Bucky his portion of their sushi take out.

"It's a grey day," Bucky replied.

"A grey day?" Steve repeated.

After Bucky explained, Steve seemed to relax a little more. He cuddled into Bucky's side, trying to figure out a way to help him out. It sounded like Bucky was simply disassociating.

"You know I'm here for you, right?" Steve murmured after a few minutes of silence.

"Yeah."

"Good. I love you."

"Steve, I..."

"I know it's hard for you right now. You never have to say it back, Buck. You know that. Right now is about you, not me. So. You're going to finish dinner, and then we're going to relax and cuddle, okay?" Steve asserted, knowing what Bucky loved doing most.

"You'll read to me?" Bucky asked dully.

"If that's what you want. Or we can watch a movie, or listen to music, or talk. Whatever you want, you can have," Steve yawned.

Bucky found himself cuddled into Steve and listening to some of the songs on their list of things to catch up on. Steve and Bucky had very different tastes, but they did agree that Sam's soundtrack suggestion was pretty good.

As the evening progressed, Bucky began to feel more normal. His emotions didn't go as deep as they usually did, but he could at least feel something.

And wrapped up in a cozy blanket, living with his best friend, his lover, and his husband, he supposed he had a pretty good life. Sure, he didn't know all the answers. Sometimes his days were cloudy and grey. Some days he hurt like hell and didn't know which way was up.

But he wasn't alone.

He still got to have nights like this one. Full, warm...loved. And really, what more could life offer him?

Steve leaned down, connecting their lips as Marvin Gaye crooned in the background. And Bucky's ice wall melted completely, making his heart warm and swell.

Steve made everything better.