Twin Earth

Chapter 16

I laid down and stared at the ceiling of the tiny two-dormitory room we had each been given and wondered who had used this room before me as postcards of scantily clad Mexican women were plastered all over it. The room had an air of military about it, with its rough green blankets, hard mattresses and a distinctive musty smell that could only come from men's work boots, but at least it was clean and quiet.

I had left Hayden and Trevor down at Level 5 with Magnus. They had wanted to get me up to speed there and then, but I needed time to calm down. I was furious. Furious at my father for lying and bringing me here under false pretences and furious for being bullied into going into space by Trevor. Yes, the science was exciting and a part of me couldn't help but feel exhilarated at the prospect of discovering dark matter, but I knew this mission was now political and I hated politics. It was the one thing I had hated the most about Robert. He always made the science political and now here was Trevor doing the exact same thing.

"Hey," Rachel whispered from the doorway. "Hayden said you wanted to speak to me?"

"He did, did he? Doesn't surprise me the coward," I mumbled sitting up and rubbing my neck.

"You could do with a shave," Rachel grinned, but I didn't return the humour. "You okay? What happened down at Level 5?"

"You're getting your wish," I replied bluntly, standing up and looking into a cracked mirror on the shelf by the bed. Rachel was right, I looked like shit, but I didn't imagine I was going to get a shower anytime soon.

"What do you mean?"

"We're both going into space."

"Are you serious?"

"Never more so. Trevor wants us up there tonight."

"Are you insane?"

"I thought this was what you had always wanted? To see the stuff you study," I replied, turning to look at her. I was surprised to see Rachel sat trembling on the bed and immediately regretted my hostility towards her. After-all it wasn't her fault I had dragged her into this.

"I haven't trained for this? I... I mean... I applied to become an astronaut and did some initial parts of the program, but I haven't finished my PhD, so I couldn't officially apply. I barely did anything!"

"You want to go though, right?"

"Well, yes... but... I'm not qualified for this," Rachel repeated.

Squatting down I looked up at Rachel.

"If I can do this, then you can definitely do this. Magnus has invented some kick ass craft to get us up there so here's your chance."

"But what do we do once we're up there? Surely Yuki or James would be more qualified to study this thing. Why not Trevor? He's an actual astronaut, isn't he?"

"Well, Trevor was going, but... things changed."

A confused look came over Rachel's face. "What aren't you telling me?"

Getting up, I debated telling Rachel what Trevor had told me but thought better of it.

"I don't trust him, nor Magnus much for that matter. I just think Hayden's suggestion of you joining me is a safer option. You have worked on dark matter before."

"Why do you have such an issue with NASA?" Rachel asked frowning.

"I don't have an issue with NASA. You're the one who seems to have an issue with NASA. Look at the way you've been snapping at Trevor. What is that all about?"

"I have my reasons," Rachel paused. "I applied to work with them and they turned me down."

"So that's why you're being so rude."

"I just don't get why you would quit being an astronaut and refuse to work with them, and now you don't trust Trevor? Seriously, what is your problem with the Americans? I'd do anything to work for them."

"I don't have a fucking problem with the Americans. Jesus woman. What are you, my ex-wife?" I shouted slamming the mirror around and making it crack.

Rachel winced at the sudden noise.

"I'm sorry, it's just... someone died because of me."

"Because of you?"

"Yes, I fucking killed someone. Are you happy?"

"No, that makes no sense. What happened?"

Sighing, I slumped back down on the bed opposite Rachel and rubbed my hands along my face in frustration.

"NASA loved me. Everyone loved me. I was always the one who would come up with the amazing technical fix at the very last minute whenever a disaster happened. I even saved lives and won praise because of it, but... that bitch... well, she ruined everything."

"Your wife?"

"Ex-wife."

"What did she do to make you hate NASA so much?"

"I don't hate NASA. I never have. It's not their fault, it's mine. My ex-wife just wanted to be married to an astronaut. When we first met, I was training with NASA, but I decided pretty early on that it wasn't for me. I never felt comfortable with the idea of being so far away from Earth. I would get nightmares about drifting in space and suffocating. I would wake up in sweats but I couldn't tell anyone because everyone was so proud of me. My father, my fellow trainees, my boss and of course my ex-wife, although that was less about pride and more just about boasting to her friends."

"So, what happened?"

"I cracked. I called my father and said I wanted to quit, and he got me a job at the UKSA on the agreement that I would always continue working in a scientific field. I didn't mind that, I love science, I just hate space," I half-heartedly chuckled.

"What did you wife say?"

"Well, it meant we had to move from America to Swindon, and that didn't sit well with her. She had to leave all her friends. She was humiliated and would repeatedly shout at me for quitting asking me to go back and be a proper man. I started drinking to drown her out, until one day... I killed someone. Not literally killed someone..." I rambled.

"You didn't kill anyone," James replied, walking in, but his words were too late. I could feel the tears welling up inside and I fought to stop them, banging my fist against the wall. "Robert hated Tom because his father had got him a really good position at the UKSA without his consultation. Duly deserved of course, but Robert has resented him ever since. He didn't like people going over his head and Robert knew Tom was drunk that night and still called him in to work."

Wiping my face and clearing my throat I added, "I didn't see something in time, a notification of some space debris heading towards an astronaut on a space-walk and... she died."

I could see Rachel's face go ashen even as the words left my mouth. The disgust, the questions, the blame, it was all there, but she didn't say anything, instead she replied, "James is right Tom, if Robert knew you were incapacitated, he shouldn't have asked you to work. You can't let the past dictate your future. You are a good scientist, I can see that, James can see that, and your father is clearly very proud of you..."

"Yeah, okay... what's done is done," I interrupted standing up. "I really don't want to talk about it anymore."

"Okay..." Rachel whispered as James waved her down.

"Did you hear James? We're heading up to this anomaly tonight, me and Rachel, lucky us," I replied sarcastically.

"Yes, your father has just told me. It's why I've come down here. He wants you to meet him down at Level 5 as soon as you can. He wants me to help with the launch. I'm so sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" I asked surprised.

"I just know how much you don't want this," James replied.

"Think of the science," Rachel replied. "Isn't that what you said?"

"We'll have to," I replied softly.