The Soldier and The Spy: Jay Halstead - Episode 1

Chapter 9

Jay didn't know how long he stood there, patrolmen and pedestrians forced to move around him as he stared blankly at where Tess had been but as he finally forced himself to go back inside he prayed it hadn't been too long. The last thing he needed was to be the new subject of the district's rumour mill. Every step he took deepened the pit in his stomach, turning what little food was left from yesterday into lead, but he refused to let his guilt or his shame show. Those were his burden to bear, not his teams and certainly not Tess's. He wasn't going to let any of this fall on her. So he returned Trudy's shrewd look with a steady, solid nod and kept his breathing even and his face relaxed as he climbed the stairs back into the bullpen, holding back a wince when everyone's eyes slid to him.

I didn't want to come back like this.

Tess's voice ran through his mind once more, as clear as if she stood beside him. He didn't want this either. Didn't want to deal with the looks and the mistrust and the judgement but what he wanted didn't matter. He had gotten them here and he needed to be the one who fixed it.

Though the door to Voight's office was open he could see his Sergeant on the phone so Jay decided to table that conversation for later, instead taking a seat at his desk and waiting as casually as he could for someone to bring up last night. It didn't take long.

"Hell of a shot last night man." Kim was already shooting Adam a glare by the time he looked up but his friend just gave her a confused shrug.

Jay knew he could brush the comment off, give a half assed answer that would shut the conversation down before it could begin but to what end? The only way they were going to trust Tess was if he gave them a reason to. So instead he leaned back and put a cocky smile on his lips. "And that's why Voight puts me in charge of the long guns and not you."

Adam rolled his eyes but huffed a laugh, as did Kevin, but his own tension didn't ease. Why was this so hard for him?

"How's her head?" Kim asked softly, nothing but genuine concern on her face. "It looked like a pretty good hit."

He smiled and gave her a nod. "She's alright. She's had worse."

Well that was the wrong thing to say.

Not only did it conjure images in his mind of all the times she'd been hurt but he could tell the others were imagining the same, wondering just what kind of trouble she'd gotten into. What kind of trouble she might get them into if last night was any indication.

Fuck he hated this.

"So how exactly did you guys meet anyway?" Adam wasn't even pretending to work anymore, unlike everyone else, instead leaning back in his chair, his feet propped up on one of his desk drawers. "I didn't think soldiers and spies had a lot of overlap."

"She's not a spy."

It came out sharper than he'd intended and Jay suppressed a sigh, taking a silent but deep breath to calm himself; his head felt like one of the targets at the shooting range, every thought a new hole ripping through the thin paper.

For Tess. You're doing this for Tess. So get your shit together.

"The SAC is the paramilitary arm of the CIA." He explained more softly. "There's two branches, Political Action, your James Bond kind of agent-" he quirked his lips at Adam, as much of an apology as he could give right now, grateful when the man took it with a subtle, understanding nod, "-and Special Operations, who're responsible for covert tactical operations. Sometimes they work jointly with the military, sometimes on their own, just depends on what the situation calls for. Tess's team worked with my unit to find and raid a Taliban compound."

Everyone was looking at him, eagerly waiting to hear more; from the corner of his eye he could even see Voight listening from where he sat behind his desk, his chair angled so he could look out the door. Jay hated it. It was too much, too personal, but he forced himself to keep going. He didn't have to share everything, he wouldn't, but he could share a bit more. For Tess.