I'm yours for life. [ PAUSED ]

Chapter 9: The Beginning Is The End (18+ warning)

The first couple of months after leaving Hyunjin behind was a living nightmare for Felix. He couldn't sleep, and when he did get some sleep, he had nightmares. He also developed an eating disorder somewhere along the road, as if it wasn't enough battling with a broken heart. Now he had to deal with not being able to eat properly. Despite wanting to be alone to process everything, Hongjoong came over quite regularly to check on him for whatever reason. He always made sure that Felix was eating, drinking and getting enough sleep to function. But there was no word about Seonghwa.

This night wasn't different compared to any other night. His nightmares started almost immediately after he fell asleep, as if there was some sort of timer inside his head. He was constantly having flashbacks to the time when he and Hyunjin got into their last fight together. The feeling of being thrown against the wall was still lingering somewhere in his body, and it almost always came out at night. During this dream, he woke up with a loud gasp right before Hyunjin had pulled the trigger of the gun he had been holding that night.

Of course, Hongjoong noticed when Felix jolted awake, just like all the other nights. Why didn't he get tired of constantly having to comfort Felix after his nightmares? Why was he even still here? He had only promised to be on call and come over whenever Felix needed him, but he never asked for Hongjoong to babysit him.

The older man got up from the couch and made his way over to the bed. He carefully laid down next to Felix and patted on his chest, motioning for Felix to lay down again. This was their nightly routine. Felix carefully laid down with his head on Hongjoong's chest, closing his eyes when he could hear his steady heartbeat.

"Do I have to ask what it was about this time?" Hongjoong mumbled while gently rubbing circles on Felix exposed back. Felix shook his and cuddled a little closer. No, it was always the same dream. Always the same scenario playing over and over again. "Just do as we practiced," he continued. Felix waited for Hongjoong to take deep breaths so he could copy his movement. This never failed to calm him down, along with hearing his heartbeat. "That's better."

"Why are you doing this for me?" Felix mumbled sleepily. He could feel sleep inching closer and closer, but every time he was close to drifting off to sleep, he forced himself to wake up. "Because I care," was Hongjoong's answer and exhaled deeply. This was the side of Hyunjin that Felix wanted to see, but he never got the chance to. "I know you're going to ask why I care so I might as well explain why," Hongjoong continued and Felix sat up on the bed so he could look at the older man. Hongjoong, however, remained lying down with his one arm behind his head. "I care because I know what it feels like to be heartbroken, I know what you're going through right now and if I get the chance to help someone go through it, I take it," he continued and looked up at Felix, gently rubbing his arm.

This man was a lot more open about things than Hyunjin. He wanted to ask him about his past experiences, but decided it was best not to, he didn't want to invade his privacy too much even if he was curious.

"Thank you," Felix said and laid down next to Hongjoong again, yet again placing his head on the older man's chest and closed his eyes. "I really appreciate this."

"Don't mention it," Hongjoong said, looking down at Felix resting on his bare chest, carefully and slowly running his fingers through the younger man's hair. He couldn't comprehend how Hyunjin could ever hurt this boy, especially after everything the two of them had gone through together. None of what happened in the past was in any way Felix's fault, it was just fate fucking things up. Hongjoong had taken care of things with Seonghwa after what had happened, he had made it very clear to Seonghwa what would happen if he did it again. He might've been the leader of Ateez, but he knew that he couldn't interfere when it came to what Seonghwa and Felix decided to do, only when he deemed that the situation were getting out of hand. Hongjoong slowly got out of bed, careful not to wake up Felix. He tucked him in, placed a soft kiss on Felix's forehead and then walked over to the couch again and slouched down.