How did it happen ?

Downfall

Those christmas holidays were hectic to say the least. Coming out to my sister, with other family reunions and a lot a thinking too. But above all, the apprehension of seeing Lucas again after all this time was eating me. I was afraid of how he would react. I was afraid he would be disgusted by me or may be he wouldn't understand my feelings. But the worst that could happen for me, would be him completely forgetting this during the holidays. It may seem liberating as I said it and we would keep the same relationship without me having to explain myself but in reality, it would only show how he could just forget this important part of me that was eating me alive and affecting our friendship. It's an important enough fact for him to remember it over the holidays right ? Well that's what I was hoping for.

So I came back to school, anxious and waiting for Lucas to just act the same as usual, having forgotten everything. But that's not what happened.

I arrived, and waited two seconds in front of the gates. It was enough though for Lucas to appear next to me and wave awkardly.

- Hey ! Welcome back to Hell.

I could tell that our relationship was somewhat altered. He didn't scare me or hug me or anything like that. He was being kind of cold and it scared me a bit. But I just brushed it off and continued as if everything was normal. We went inside and repeted the pattern of a normal monday. I thought that may be he would talk to me at some point but he didn't. He spent time with me but also with his other friends from the class or from the school in general. I did the same, even if my friends looked at me weirdly because I was not spending all my time with Lucas.

The next days went past like that. The same pattern was repeated again and again, everyday. My friends, at some point, asked me if we got into an argument, even if we broke up. I assured her that nothing of the sort happened but I was not even sure myself.

Time went by.

Weeks passed

We still talked. But not much.

We never sent each other messages.

We were rarely with each other during the time between classes.

Barely next to each other in class.

Eating together but talking with other people.

I was a complete coward. I knew that communication is key to a healthy relationship. But I didn't try to see what was wrong with him, with us.

But it was eating me alive. My mental health and self confidence were declining at lightspeed. It took me hours to fall asleep at night because thoughts invaded my mind and refused to leave. I was always wondering if I did something wrong, something I shouldn't have done. I was thinking that everything was my fault. I shouldn't have said it to him. I ruined our friendship. He must think I'm a monster.

And then without me realising, my perception of myself changed. I wasn't that kind of appreciable "me" in the mirror. I was a stranger with a face that I knew to be mine just because that's what people kept telling me since I was young. My hair was not dark and long and beautiful as a wig, but too long and useless. It started bothering me as I didn't know what to do with it. And my neck was too big, my eyelashes too long, my eyes too murderous, my lips too small, my thights to big, my body not well proportionned. I was always finding defaults in me and the way I acted. I hated my personnality too. I couldn't understand how my friends used to bear me when i was a child.

Then I started seeing others differently. My sister was strange. She sometimes acted like a complete *****. I was starting to see her bad sides as I was also thinking about how she responded when I came out to her. Her answer was bad. She should have been suppporting in any case. She should not have said that about the trans community. She should have said this and that, be this and that.