Dear Loser

i love u.

you asked my name. i smiled and answered.
we walked together in the hallway. i just didn't want to walk alone.
we sat together at lunch. technically you sat by me.
we hung out at the game. i made too many excuses to walk away.
you introduced me to your friends. they're weird.
we kissed. i didn't mean to move so fast.
we hugged. i let go as soon as i held on.
we called. i made an excuse to hang up.
we went to the movies. i stayed in the bathroom.
we held hands. i couldn't stop shaking.
we went to your house. i just wanted to study.
we sat down and talked to your mom. i don't want to be close to her.
she asked when i'm coming over again. never i hope.
we fell asleep on the phone. i honestly didn't mean to.
you met my mom. i didn't expect you to be at the same store at the same time as us.
she said she liked you. crap.
you texted me last night.
no
no
no.
NO.
stupid white letters.
maybe it was a typo.
an accident.
wrong person.
no.
it can't be.
not again.
i didn't mean to do this to you.
you're too sweet.
too perfect.
why did i do this to you.
"i love u."
shit.
no you don't.
i promise. you can't.
what do i do?
i could block you.
go ghost.
say my phone broke.
i got grounded my bad.
no i have to treat you like you treated me.
i love u
i love u
i love u
i love u
I
Love
You
i don't care how many times i have to say it i will make myself believe it.
i love you.
i have to.
once we get together i'll love you.
i'll fall helplessly in love.
i can fake it until then.
i have to.
wait.
no i don't.
i can make you hate me.
i know i can.
i'll treat you like he treated me.
he made me fall out of love.
i'll be like him.
i can do it.
but i can't hurt you.
i can't hurt your smile.
your eyes.
your lips.
your hands.
i can't hurt you.
i can't love you.
i can't.