Mortified

Untitled Part 20

When I enter my room, Dallas is sleeping on my bed. He looks so peaceful. I move around in my room to find my robe and then I see it in his hands. He is holding onto it tight. He misses me. I know that he understands but I should pay a little attention to him also. I get my laptop and sit on the bed, with him beside me. It is like he can sense my presence, because the time I sit, he lets go of the robe and the lines on his forehead relax. I kiss his forehead. I love surfing the net at night because it is the fasters then. As I look through my feed on Facebook, there is a message from Emily asking how mom was. I tell her everything, and in the end, the fact that I know my father's name.

*Have you searched from him on google?*

*I was about to but I started talking to you.*

*well what are waiting for. Stop talking to me and find him. Tell me what all you find! J*

*okay. Love you bye.*

*bye <3*

I decide to search finally. I type his name, really cautiously. I have wanted to know him but the fact being, am I ready for this?

I type 'Ray Marshall' and then I see him..............

Well I see about 1000 of him. There are so many ray Marshall in the world, I never knew. To limit my search results I add a filter, above 35 years of age. Well that just cut it down to 100. Well this is going to be fun, my inner goddess laughing at me.

What else can I type to narrow it more? I can't think of anything so start looking through every one of them. I decide to eliminate a few like a man who is really short and some 4-5 others who are drug addicts. Well that narrows it down to 95. Yay! I start glancing and before I know it, I am asleep.

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"Hey wake up. who is ray Marshall? Are you having an affair?" I hear Dallas's voice as soon as I get up. It is 10'o clock, and for some reason my head is throbbing. Then it all comes back to me. Mom In coma, rose coming out, getting to know my father's name. Well too many changes for one day!

"Stop fooling around." I give him a small peck on the lips.

"Well, stew has made breakfast. Robert hasn't come back from the hospital so I will be staying the night there. I hope you don't mind me getting so close to your family. It's just that it feels like my mom all over again." He says looking around.

I give him a thank you nod and then move to change, have a bath and stuff.

I drive to the hospital with Dallas and meet mom. They tell me that they hope to see some changes in a day or two.

Rose is out of her room and to distract her mind I ask her to go shopping with mia, who I think is her new best friend. I will take her to meet mom soon, I just want the number of machines around her to reduce.

After everything is sorted out that day, I am rather clueless of what to do. Dallas is in the hospital, something I am very thankful to him about. Mia and rose are having a sleepover at mia's friend's house. Robert is resting because he hadn't slept all night. Mom is in the hospital and I am here, in her room.

I am missing her just very much so I decided to sleep in her room. I know she will be alright, because she is a fighter. I say the words again and again reassuring her. As I sit on the floor near her bed and lay back my head, I see a box. Well that is something I have never seen before. I know it is wrong but yet decide to dig in it.

It is marked 'random', probably from the time we were shifting. In the beginning there are small clothes which are probably ours. I laugh thinking that she has yet kept them. There is a video cassette marked, 'babies first steps'. I put it in the VCR. Oh mom is so pretty in the video. She was in love with Charlie. It is a video of the first steps of Rose and me. Robert's first steps are not there because he is already walking in the video.

As I scuffle through some more things, I find a diary. Aww, mom kept a diary just like I do.

Well, I have been keeping a diary since I was 10 years old. At first it was just a thing but then when I came to know about my missing dad, I kept it as a gift for him. A gift that I would give to him when I meet him for the first time so that he can live through those moments. It has everything, from my first certificate for drawing to the times I was angry with mom.

Sorry, getting back. I feel awkward with the thought that I want to read it, but still continue to read. I do it very quietly trying to make no noise, as if scared mom will come and find me.

The first few pages are random. How she is angry with gran, how she had her first kiss with the dumbest boy in class. I wonder if that is my father. It continues very randomly and I am about to put it down but a word catches my eye. 'Pregnant'. I can't believe it, she has written about it in her diary. There are parts of my dad in this diary. I turn back a few pages and start reading very cautiously, trying to hold onto the moments of my father. There are many pages but I read them randomly.

*I met a guy today, he is really handsome. His name is ray marshal. I have had a crush on him since the 8th grade. Well today I took the courage and asked him if he wanted to go for a movie and he said yes. So bye for now, I have to get ready!*

*so, I kissed him today. He is my 3rd kiss and I think I am falling for him. <3 * and then are drawing all over.

*today we declared ourselves as girlfriend and boyfriend in front of everybody. I was waiting for this day from so long. We even have our own song.*

* Yeah! My boyfriend is so considerate. He wants to go to the 3rd base and he asked me if I was ready for it! Well even if I wasn't I am ready for it now. We are going to do it at his place because his parents are out of town... I am so excited I can't wait!*

The next lot of pages are blank. There are just some drawing here and there and then a page titled 'done' which I avoid. And then comes the big page.

*dear diary, I came to know something rather awful today... so I have missed my periods since the last 2 months and I just noticed it today morning when I threw up. I went to the medic store and took 5 pregnancy test and unfortunately all have come positive. I AM PREGNANT. I don't know what to do or who to go to or whether I should just terminate it and let it be or talk to mom. I know one thing for sure, Ray marshal is the father. What am going to do? But after writing this I have built up the courage and have decided to go talk to mom. Thanks for being there for me diary. Bye.*

This is the last page in the diary. I keep turning over to find something more. I keep it aside and just as I do, a yellow envelope slides out of the pocket of the diary.

It is a letter addressed to my father.

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