Wild Bastard

37

"What are you doing here?"

Lana's voice seeps through the drowsiness I think I just fell into. I crack my eyes open. The hands on the wall clock read nine in the morning. It is strange that we were not awakened. Although the nurse came by around six and apparently decided not to bother us anymore.

"Waiting for you to wake up"

I pull my neck muscles and get up from the chair, stretching my stiff back and arms. My vertebrae crunch after sitting in the chair for so long.

"Are you going to kill me?"

She's not surprised at where she is. So her memory is good. Lana's stricken look is more eloquent than any words. Reenah's right. She is more frightened of me than the possible landing of aliens on earth..

"You almost killed yourself last night. Why the fuck did you get drunk?"

Lana squats down on the couch and averts her eyes. She shrugs her shoulders.

"I do not think that my answer would interest you. You can just yell at me and deprive me of... of what? Leaving the room. I don't leave the house without a good reason. It's a good thing I have my own bathroom, or I'd have to call you every time I needed to"

"Bite your tongue! And get ready. Let's go somewhere."

"Where to?"

The brown eyes flutter up, burning me with genuine horror.

"Matt, don't send me to the closed school, please."

Her voice vibrates, filled with pleading notes. And for the first time in years, I allow myself to react to it.

"Lana, it's summer. All the schools are closed."

"Then where to?"

"You'll see. Get ready."

I lean against the doorjamb and watch her while the she brushes her hair and tidies herself up.

She's grown up. She was no longer the toothless little girl who used to squeal when she was alone in her room. Or when she was playing ball with Lucas in the backyard and was hopelessly trying to involve me in the game, too. She was splashing water from the pool and I was yelling at her because I couldn't see how we were all moving on with our lives and Evelyn was gone. And I didn't understand how anyone could be capable of feeling any sense of joy at all.

At first I hated Lana, yes. She was the reason my mother died. I thought it was because of her. Then I realized, of course, that it was deeper than that, but I'd had the most negative feelings about my sister since she was born. I also had to become a big brother abruptly. Growing up fast and forgetting about playing with the boys. I kept my eye on Luc and the little one. And the older I got, the more obsessive I got, the more I thought that if I loosened the leash, those two would fall down some hole. And so they did. Lucas and the Lana were always trying to get in the fuckin' hole. They took turns testing my nerves for strength.

"I'm ready" Lana puts her hands in her pockets and walks over to me hesitantly.

"Did you get your things?"

"I don't have anything with me"

After a word of recommendation with the doctor, we get in the car and leave the parking lot.

"Is it true that you told Reenah to stay away from me?"

I light a cigarette and breathe the smoke out the open window.

Lana freezes.

"Yeah. I'm tired of everyone I meet ending up on their knees in front of you. I was hoping at least Reenah would be different"

I notice the anger she shoots at me, but she hides it as soon as I turn around.

"Reenah is different."

Instead of an answer, there is a quiet, sarcastic snort.

"I guess so. But you didn't care, did you? You were already having fun the next day with your... What was her name?"

"Mia?"

"Yes, Mia."

"Although it's none of your business, Lana, but Mia is dirt. And I don't like to get dirty. I want you to be aware of that. I'll be with Reenah. Whether you like it or not" I hold her gaze, letting her know the seriousness of my decision.

She's so much like Eveline. I hover for a moment, examining her features. It's the same cut of the eyes, the upturned nose, and the barely noticeable scattering of freckles on her nose. Even her eyebrows furrow the same way. My heart clenches, floating away at these so obvious similarities.

"Are you serious?"

It's not hard to understand why my words are hard to believe in this situation. Chicks have always been like train cars to me. Fast-paced and blurred into one gray area.

"Yes. And it would have been better of you to go along with her. Rie is worried about the way things happened."

Lana chooses to leave my insistence unanswered. She looks at me for a few seconds, as if she were seeing me for the first time, and then turns away from me to the window.

Apparently, the two of them are really getting close. I don't know when they did. Did their mutual hatred for me unite them? Or did the little one see her as someone she never had?

I don't wonder. Reenah may be cocky, but she's real. She stood up for the little one. It's not the first time she's cared about her. And Lana cares about her, too.

Not only Lana.

I can't think of anything but Reenah myself.

We arrive at the cemetery about thirty minutes later. The morning sun is beating down on my face, clinging to my skin, choking me with high fever, but I'm not hot. Every time I come here, I feel cold.

"What are we doing here?"

Lana has only been to this place five times in her life.

She cringes as she looks at the gravestones and follows me down the path. I must have learned the names of those buried here when I first started reading fluently. Twenty steps forward and seventeen to the right. Tilted tree, duck, twenty-three more steps. The silence here is particularly numbing, but I've never been scared. I know others are afraid to be in a place like this, but not me. After all, Evelyn is here. And she's always protected me.

I stop near the granite monument. Lana gets behind me and huddles tighter, as if she's afraid. And I feel like I've been tasered under the shoulder blades. Sister despite the fact that I used to intimidate her, looks for protection from me.

I roll my eyes up to the clear sky. It's time she knew the truth.

"Remember how Evelyn died?"

"Well, yes. She had an accident" She answers quietly, as if she's afraid that if she raises her voice, somebody might hear her.

"No, Lana. There was no accident."

"What do you mean?"

"She died because of our father and the drugs."

The nervous breathing behind her stops.

"How's that?"

"It's time you took off the rose-colored glasses."

The story will not be easy. Most likely, after today, she will look at the world differently. Or maybe not. I don't know if I'll make it any better by pouring all the shitty truth about our family on her, but Reenah's right. Lana needs to grow up and realize that not everything in life is rosy and plays with colors. She needs to look for good things, just as she needs to be prepared for the possibility that fate might punch her in the face and turn her inside out. And perhaps if she is aware of what happened, she will be more careful to make new acquaintances and not look for adventures.

And I... I don't know if something will change in me, but I'm really tired of driving at maximum speed alone.