Happy Trauma*

Turning Tables

Sometimes I wish life was like a book so I could sneak a peak at the last few pages just to make sure everything turns out okay

Chapter 5 𓇚※𓇚

Kenma's Pdv

I often wondered what was the purpose of a life.

Why were we alive and why could this gift be taken away from us so easily ? If we were all there, it was good for a reason, right ?

So why was I just a person among people ? So why did the gloomy and monotonous colors of winters pair perfectly with their smiles if the goal of life was to be happy ?

If I had dared to ask the question to my philosophy teacher during my third year of high school, he would have answered me: "The purpose of life is to love and to be loved". I had always been convinced that he was a lover of love. If I had tried to make our conversations longer he would, without a doubt, have driven me just as mad as he was.

But if the purpose of life is to love and to be loved, what is love ? There was self-love, friendly love and then passionate love. What can it have more than all these other feelings that we can experience randomly in our everyday life ? Feelings such as pleasure were just pass by things, we are only animals that rely on sensations. We scream when it hurts and smile when it feels good. Feelings are only artificial things.

I had the example again today when I worked at "The Bird" this morning. Daichi, whom I hadn't seen for 2 weeks, was keeping us company on his day off. Suga clung to him like a panda to its bamboo.

- Suga was sulking because he didn't see me anymore.

The silver-haired one turned his head to smile softly at him.

- I like my job, Suga.

- Yes, more than us from what we see. he replied, peeling himself away from his fiancé.

He distanced himself from us and cleaned the counter. I looked again at Daichi who seemed to be searching for his words, he came towards him wanting to take Suga in his arms. The door opened at that moment, taking us by surprise.

- I'm taking care of it. Fix that. I tell them, brushing them off with the back of my hand.

Nothing was out of the ordinary that day. Customers came in and out to buy a drink or a pastry. Daichi offered to go and sweep outside to make the access to the cafe easier. Suga approached me.

- When I go to bed and the other side of the bed isn't occupied... or when I wake up to find the cold sheets on his side... It's hard.

- His work is hard.

Suga sighed.

- But I know all that ! I know ! And it's frustrating. Frustrating because nothing is the same without him. He's my person, nothing can be the same without him. Love is a terrifying feeling, it's giving arms to another to bring you down.

I shrugged when I heard that.

- You'll see one day, you can't escape it. No one escapes it. Stay as you are Kenma. Don't change for anything in the world.

The silver haired man eventually sent me home and I could help but turn around as I walked out, Suga gave me a pointed look. Daichi again tried to take him in his arms but his companion violently pushed him away.

It made me uncomfortable to see them like that... The ones who had been so tight-knit when they welcomed me into their home.

No, the purpose of a life was not "to love and to be loved". It's not that complicated. Maybe life is just like a video game. You just have to pass stages and levels as you go... It would only consist of acquiring experience to become stronger, to beat the bosses of the game more easily. Quite simple. The goal is to survive.