'THE BOY' || Poetry

my paragraph

So this it, we're finally having this conversation. you know my memory, I forget the things I wish to say and when I do try it, I stutter. This conversation was flowing so freely in my head but when yesterday we really started this all I did was stutter and repeat my said lines. 

Now that you’ve already confessed, being that overthinker you must be thinking that I’m gonna break our friendship or stop talking to you or condemn you to hell- god knows what all crap, just throw them out of the planet earth cause all of those things are NOT gonna happen.
I’m gonna try and write some of my feelings down. Forgive me if it gets long. 

As I was telling you, since childhood no boy or a girl has had a crush on me, heck not even dogs come to me *laughing emoji* so I had believed ki that okay teenage crushes are shallow anyway and are mostly based on looks, people will surely like me one day romantically* once they start talking to me and knowing me. So I was happy and might I add, ‘content’ also that okay I'm away from all this complications cause its the truth that I’ve got some really nice and pretty friends as well and I’ve seen this like, dislike, crying, not going to the same parties, ignoring your friends for someone you met just a while ago and all those so it was kind of nice that I didn’t ever had those things in my plate. 

I seriously liked someone. Long story short, I went through a lot of very different feelings and permanent things. In the initial days I used to call that ‘love’, haha silly me. I went through a couple of phases, I was no longer jealous because of his gf, feelings got purer, him not wanting me was the beginning of wanting myself. If it wasn’t for him then id have taken the road to self love maybe very late, thanks to him I took it early. he unknowingly lead me to this road and I started working on this. BTS helped me a lot. They through their stories and songs made me get my self respect and I also started liking myself a lot and eventually I also let him go. Then all the progress came crashing down in lockdown and all my insecurities, self blaming and whatnot came back and I no longer even like myself. I still listen to those songs which gave me strength and make me believe that I’m worthy of existing but its hard to believe them. nobody can save you except yourself, I know it.Perhaps the only thing which are keeping me sane and going are my friends and BTS. I fell deeper and deeper into that hole and forgot the way of climbing back again and I don’t even try. This lockdown is so terrible for so many people and yet here I am mulling over comparatively very small things. You must think that what a crybaby I am who doesn’t try to solve her problems and just stress over them. I’m still gonna say it aloud, whatever your reaction may be. So as I was saying this lockdown is terrible for me, all I do is get through each day and wish school would reopen cause all I wanna do is to getaway.

After many things, I'm m here- someone having a stone of a heart, toxic, home of negativity, insecurities, questioning my importance,feeling fucking worthless every single day and ultimately having little self adoration,feeling hollow and unworthy of all good things and good people, friends, affection, everything. thats why i didnt wanna believe that someone could like this disaster and i tried to make myself believe that you don’t like me and its all just my mind telling lies. but at sometime it was too prominent to ignore and I had to come clear with the situation. I couldn’t live in my own sweet bubble and have you hurt. The reason I wanted to have this conversation is because I can’t stand you hurting yourself. You are this amazing amazing man and I’m lucky to have you in my life. You came like a light in my life and made me so so happier. After a whole day of doubting myself, I opened whatsapp, there you were, making me laugh, listening to my bs, being my company, showering me with attention and compliments. You swore that you were not lying and I know you weren’t and I also wanted to believe those compliments. Your eyes, the way you laid them on me, it felt surreal. Your care, your scoldings everything made me feel special and wanted. You make me feel like I matter. These two months brought out emotions which I didn’t know id ever feel. I have your words and some voice notes starred, and I have that chocolate wrapper tucked safely in between the pages. But I cant have all of this while you are not receiving the feelings back in the way you want. I want to let you know that I’m grateful for your presence in my life and I never wanna lose it. 

You think I’m the most understanding out there cause you’ve not met many good people. Behind your every sorry there are people who made you believe that you were always in the wrong, behind your overthinking, there are people who made you doubt yourself. I guess thats why you find me so different. Trust me theres nothing special here. Wish you find better people and also a better girl than me. I hope you’ll believe me when I say that you are such an amazing person and you’ve a beautiful heart and so much more.

Im not ready for a relationship as I have many things to take care of and work on. I want to like myself and then maybe love myself, I want to be a better person and a better daughter for my mom and a nice sister for my brother. I want to figure out my career and much more. High school relationships don’t last, they never did, and I will not come into one even if some person likes me and I like them back too. Even in that case Ill not come into one. relations need too much and I’m not capable and a right person for it as of now. Ill destroy anyone who comes a little too close and good people don’t deserve my toxicity.

As for us, im sorry but I don’t like you romantically. even if I did and if we would be a thing, I will do nothing but ruin you and a beautiful soul like you doesn’t deserve that. I don’t want to be another one of your ex whose name you will take in a sigh and reminiscing bittersweet memories while listening to a good ol' sad song. I want to be in your life and I want you to take my name in happiness only, and I’m always here being your friend. But I won’t force you, its your choice. I suggest you to move on and remove expectations of us being a thing, if any. If you’ll hold on you’ll only get hurt and ill never want that. So do whatever it takes to make yourself happy, ill help you. If you wanna break our friendship, I won’t stop you. If you need some time, take it, the point is to do anything that makes you free and lightens your heart. As for me, I want us to be the way we are cause you are too precious to loose. tell me what’d you like and ill accept whatever choice you’ll make. You are and always be my naagin.