Love Me | Rinney one shots

I'm Not Gay. So Love Me, Dammit!

TW: SH, suicide, other things

angst ig 😐

I hate writing these tbh
Word count: 808
There will be a part 2 btw
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I don't do it cause I want attention. I don't do it cause I hate myself either. Which just brings me back to thinking I do it for attention. Which brings me back to going deeper because I'm so stupid for it.

I don't know why I do it. I don't like the pain. Maybe it's just the comfort in the scars that'll someday form. That'll stay forever in my thighs.

Maybe someday someone will kiss my cuts better. Like my mom used to do when I fell from a height and scraped my knees on the pavement that's been heating up under the sunlight. 

Maybe someday someone will see the white lines on my legs and recognize that I'm not who they think I am. I haven't gotten more confident after I killed the grabber. I didn't even care about that really. Sure it got to me but it wasn't as bad as everyone at school never looking at me again.

No one dared to mess with me. 'I wish it wasn't me.' I thought to myself. As selfish as that sounds. 'I wish it wasn't me who was locked away in that dark, cold basement.'

'God how could I be so selfish?' I felt my head become heavy as I swing at my leg once more. A singular tear rolling off my cheek and landing right below the fresh cut I just made.

I sat on the cold bathroom floor, watching the tear drop sink into my skin and the blood pour out. Slowly, like honey. It shined an off putting shine underneath the awkwardly bright lighting that the bathroom had.

I wiped my face off with my bare hand. I quickly pulled the cotton leg of my shorts back down as I stood up. All in one solid motion.

I stand and look at myself in the mirror before sighing, hiding the razor in my pocket and going back to my room.

I didn't feel sad. I didn't feel anything. I didn't regret the sinful actions I just committed. I'll beg for forgiveness one day. Maybe the day I start to actually believe in myself, I'll ask for forgiveness. I'll ask the man upstairs to forgive me for my sinful actions.

I sigh as I pull out the razor and put it on my bed side table. I lay in bed, watching my ceiling. As the snowflakes my mind had created, dance around in the darkness of my room. I could feel my eyes get heavy after awhile.

Just before I could go to sleep, I heard my window tapping slightly. At first I brushed it off as nothing, until I heard a loud slap on my window.

It made me jump and I got the same razor as before from off my night stand. Now holding it as if I'm ready to kill someone. I'm very doubtful that I could even fend off a stupid little bird with my weapon of choice but, it's all I had.

I walk slowly and quietly to my light switch, hoping the pale moonlight peeking in from outside doesn't catch my movement so the person outside can't see me.

I flip on my light and see Robin, face pressed to the window looking in. I gasp in relief and fear as I walk towards the window, putting the razor down on my nightstand again and opening the window for him.

"Finney!" He says, happily as if what just happened, didn't. "Robin? Why are you here." I ask impatiently. "I missed you dude! Plus I couldn't deal with a lecture in the morning when my mom wakes up so.., I was hoping I can stay here?" He replies, sort of answering my original questions but yet I'm left with more than what I started with.

"Wait why would you get a lecture?" I ask cluelessly. "I got into another fight. She'll scold me in the morning I just know. And I can't deal with that at 6:45 in the fucking morning!" He says, tensing up. "Ok calm down, yes you can stay here but, where are you expecting you'll sleep?" I ask, hoping he doesn't think my bed with me because I know it'll make everything worse.

"Uh, your bed?" He says 'shit.' He looks at me with an awkward smile plastered on his face that screams, "sorry". "Ok well, I guess I can sleep on the couch-" I get cut off quickly by Robin's worried sounding voice "dude your bed is huge! You have a queen, why would you need to sleep on the couch?" At this point I'm panicking. I can't think of any other excuses. So I give in and just sleep in the bed with Robin.

Plus, how bad can it be?