The pain will make you crazy~ MAYLOR

My melancholy blues

back to the queen song titles 😋✨💖 

This is really sad btw. 

TWs: suicidal thoughts, self harm, drinking, a lot of swearing)

(Roger's POV most of the chapter)

They know. They know. Holy shit they know! They probably think I'm weak.

I just keep running. Towards the car. I hear Brian's shouts but I ignore them. He doesn't want to help. He never has. 

I climb into the car. I put on my seat belt and lock the doors. Brian's there after that and he's saying my name. 

"Rog open the door." I don't look at him. I can't look at him. He can probably see the cuts on my arms. I don't care though. Freddie probably told them everything. He knocks on the window. I wipe the tears from my face and put the keys in the ignition. 

"I'm here now Rog, I'm here for you just open the door."  Nope. He doesn't mean it. I start to reverse. "Rog!" I drive towards the main road and I can see Brian run after me, and for a second I think of stopping, but I don't. 

[time skip about 20 minutes to when roger gets back to his apartment]

I start to write (a/n: i know fred wrote this song but we're gonna pretend roger did)

I don't wanna talk about it
Want to forget about it
Wanna be intoxicated with that special brewCome and get me
Let me
Get in that sinking feeling
That says my heart is on an all-time low 

I pick up the bottle and just drink straight from it. I don't really care anymore. This shits expensive but honestly I don't care right now. More lyrics come to my head so i write them down. 

So, don't expect me
To behave perfectly
And wear that sunny smile
My guess is I'm in for a cloudy and overcastDon't try and stop me
'Cause I'm heading for that stormy weather soon

I hate feeling this way. And its all because of Brian. All him. Him and his adorable smile. His beautiful eyes. Everything about him. I HATE BEING IN LOVE WITH HIM!! I HATE IT SO FUCKING MUCH!

I take another mouthful. And then another. And another. 

I'm causing a mild sensation
With this new occupation
I'm permanently glued
With this extraordinary mood

Brian fucking May! I take another mouthful and then feel the urge to cut again. I get up and run to the bathroom and grab a blade. I cut my arm one, two, three times. I smile down at the sight of the blood. If only this could take away my feelings. I walk back to my spot on the couch and write down more lyrics. 

So, now move over
Let me take over
With my melancholy blues

I drink some more and then see the blood smudged on the paper. Oh whatever it doesn't matter all that much. There'll probably be more on there later anyway. I look at the blade sitting innocently on the table and then at my arm. I can't feel the pain anymore. I grab the blade and push harder on my skin. It goes deeper and I gasp at the sudden pain. But my god does it feel good. 

I'm causing a mild sensation
With this new occupation
I'm in the news
I'm just getting used
To my new exposureCome into my enclosure

I drop the pen and then take another mouthful of the alcohol. I look at my watch. 1 30pm. Who cares if it isn't 5? I sure as hell don't. I look around and I see a photo of me and Brian. I get up and tear it off the wall and then tear it in half. Then quarters. I don't want to see his face ever again. This is all his fault. 

"Why does he have to be so FUCKING perfect!" I scream and throw the pieces of the photo. They fly everywhere as I run back to the bottle and just drink more. I don't want to think about him. Not ever again! I drink until the bottles empty. I throw it into the bin where it shatters. Oh for fucks sake! I open the fridge. 

"Your fucking kidding!" There's nothing left. No beer, wine, vodka fucking anything! I open all the cupboards. There's got to be some here! There has to be! 

"Yes! Thank you!" I pull a six pack of beer out of the bottom of my pantry. I open one and drink half of it. Its not cold but at this point I don't really give a shit. I go back to the couch and look at what I'd just written, all the blood stains around it. If anyone found this they'd probably be really concerned. Oh well no one comes around here much anyway. Except Brian.

"I HATE YOU BRIAN!" I scream to myself and I just write it down under the lyrics, over and over. Why is he a part my every thought? I can't think something without thinking Brian. See! 

You know if I just ended it, i wouldn't have to think of him anymore. I wouldn't have to see him, hear his voice, think of him. I look at the blade, grab it and cut again. It's deep, deeper than I've ever gone before. I think of Brian and how much I must be hurting him. 

Before I know it, the tears are coming. I put the blade down and just cry. Brian. Yes, I hate him, but doing this, it hurts him too. He thinks of me as his brother. I can't. I don't knwo what to do anymore. Life is just too hard. 

I want to die. 

But I want to stay. For Brian. For John. For Freddie. For Queen. 

I lie down and close my eyes. 

(Brian's POV)

I open the door to Roger's apartment and gasp. I can see him lying, passed out on the couch, and empty bottle next to him and there's blood everywhere. John behind me also gasps, although quieter than I had.

I rush over to Roger, tears filling my eyes. Why didn't I follow him? Why didn't I come sooner? I look at the table for a sign of anything he could've taken. Instead I see a song, and underneath, written over and over,

I hate you Brian! I hate you so much!

What? I look at him. We've best friends for so long. What have I done? Do I have something to do with this? All of this? Him hurting himself? 

"Bri." I look around. John's not in here. I walk into the kitchen. Holy-

Everything is thrown everywhere. There's glass around the bin. Most of the cupboards are open and their contents just lying on the floor. 

"What happened?" He's asks. I walk back to Roger and John follows. I pick up the blood stained razor blade and John looks more closely at the lyrics Roger had written on the blood stained paper. 

"I think it's me John." I whisper. John looks at Roger and then at me. 

"It... It can't be. Your his best friend, his brother." 

"I'm doing something wrong but for the life of me I can't think of what it is." I break down and I feel John's arms wrap around me. 

"It's not you Bri. It has to be someone else." 

"How many other Brian's do you know?" He doesn't say anything. Am I the one hurting roger? Am I hurting my best friend? Am I the reason he's doing this? Is it me?

"Bri?" It wasn't John who spoke. I look at the couch. I see Roger, his baby blue eyes staring back at me and I pull out of John's hug. 

"Rog?" I manage to whisper. He looks around, at he blood stained paper, and then at his arm. 

"Bri, I'm so sorry." I get up and hug him. I don't care if he hates me, I just want him to know that I'm here for him, that I won't ever leave. 

oh my god. im in tears right now. 😭😭😭

hope your enjoying the book 😊