Zenitsu One-Shots

And I'm Being Dramatic as Usual, Huh?

Uh this is angst, and it might have some spoilers

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Zenitsu stared into the emptiness of the ceiling, the event at Mount Natagumo was traumatic to anyone. Yet he was safely captivated in the Butterfly Mansion, so the fear he was experiencing felt rather wrong, he hadn't had reason to be so upset, not in this current moment. No pain, yes his limbs have shrunk, yet this was being cured, he was completely sure that he had no lingering effects from that horrifying night on Mount Natagumo, other than his shrunken arms and legs. He could make an excuse that he had to fight a difficult battle, yet he ended up rushing away, even when he knew he had already lost, his hand aching, the poison taking over slowly, yet he killed the demon, somehow, it was a blur, a massive, he could barely recall the events.

Even overthinking this battle wasn't the problem, it was much deeper. They left him, Tanjiro and Inosuke, he was well aware neither of them hated him, he could sense it, yet it somehow hurt. How they could easily hurry off into such danger as he trembled in fear, and they always glared at him as if it was some sort of sin to feel this way. Was it a sin to feel this way? Was it truly so horrible to express fear? Zenitsu couldn't identify if his emotions were originating from anger at the two, or the worry they had caused him. Or somehow, it was both together. He knew they hadn't hated him, yet he could identify how annoyed the two truly got with his fear. He just couldn't help it, he wanted to protect everyone he loved, he wanted bravery, he wanted to be more like Tanjiro, willing to help others at the expense of his own life, or Inosuke not batting an eye to think, just headfirst into the battle. If Zenitsu could obliterate his weakness, his fear he would.

Yet he was nothing close to what he wanted to achieve, surviving Final Selection could have been sheer luck, yet Mount Natagumo felt odd, yes he didn't leave unscarred, but he wasn't sure if he should feel pride, he lived, he survived, alone too. Yet even then he wasn't fully taking in the fact he had only rushed up the mountain for Nezuko, if Tanjiro left Nezuko with him, he could only imagine what he would have done, take her box on his back to a pond far away, as though his life was some fairytale. Zenitsu held onto the words of being a coward, he didn't rush up the mountain to protect other people, it was for Nezuko, a demon. 

Zenitsu continues pondering ways to pin the blame on those two as if them inviting him would truly cause him to come along, he would still sit in fear trembling, shaking, crying, for someone being the oldest Zenitsu sure cried a lot, much like a baby, he felt surprised on how Inosuke has not formulated a nickname close to that. Why was he so pathetic? Couldn't he just help anyone for once, couldn't he just stop being so damn useless, couldn't he think of anyone else but himself? Could he not just be good enough? Zenitsu spiralled into thoughts, the mansion, the countless woman that had betrayed him, his sensei, did they all leave because of him? Did he cause all this despair, was it because he was such a coward? Damn it Zenitsu! Why are you even thinking like this? His sensei didn't die due to him, why are these thoughts moving so rapidly? 

His body shook, salty tears painting his face, all unknown to him, it was invisible almost, as though his mind had taken him so far out of the actual world, that he could only see his pathetic self, in pathetic memories. Why couldn't he be better? He wasn't strong, he was weak, breaking down to memories, like a pathetic crybaby. It was just a dramatic flair, right? He's cried before, he's balled his eyes out, why was this so different? Just accept and move on, yet it was difficult. It was frustrating, he couldn't forget and move on, and he kept returning to his stupid uselessness. Why didn't he just die during Final Selection, maybe then all of this wouldn't have to happen. Alright, even for me that thought was rather dark, he wanted this, right?