He laid, head down, items sprawled out onto the desk. There wasn't a sound that dared to creep. It was all silence.
Overwhelming silence.
He thought so loudly he flinched. It was overwhelming but all so familiar. The silence being a guest to his little "dinner party" for mere years now. Ever since it happened. No matter how much he grew from then, how much he changed. How much progress he had. The silence had always stayed. A threat, a promise to him. It crept its hand onto his shoulder to constantly remind him of its presence, though he could not see it, he always felt it. It was grabby, invading personal space. There was nothing he could ever do to stop it. He only sat, helpless in dismay as this creature of his mind violated every part of him. His eyes had narrowed out of focus, this time being stuck in his own head as he always was. He lifted his head up, slowly.
"A class project.." he heard the teacher finally, her voice had only just faded into focus. And he glanced to the right. He couldn't help not paying attention. He shut down everytime work was due. Well aware of his failing grades. The teacher had announced partners could be used, but his friend had turned away, muttering about how they wouldn't work with someone who doesn't work. He would if he could. He thought. Although he did try. His mind was foggy and he had a sense of dread within him. "Thats fair." He muttered before finally finding his head hit the desk and he dug into his arms.
No point in arguing. It was fair.
He had no fight left. He couldnt muster anything. He refused to vent or complain in order to not alert his partner. Even when his partner insisted, he hesitated. He refused. And when he did, he was so self conscious about their replies, he had always thought they hated him.
Its repeating. He thought.
He let the emotion wash over him, as he closed his eyes. He felt dead. Everyday was like this. He stumbled while walking more, struggled to meet people's eyes. Struggled to walk anywhere without being afraid of people. He didn't like being touched. It felt like a chore to even breath. He had a constant urge to end this, but instead tallied it on his arm. He marked himself as a fool everytime he let them fade.
He felt like he was burdening everyone and everything with his presence. The constant threats from his father, the constant physical fights. He was locked in the garage and treated as if he were a dog, his family only interacting with him if he did something they liked. He was made a marvel when he did decide to come out to eat. A laughing stock. So he gradually stayed away until it was night, and he could eat in peace. "Are you sure im not bothering you? I know I might be much for you. Please tell me if im making you uncomfortable." He would repeat to his partner. But they only denied everything and reassured them. But he constantly felt as if the love was dying on their end. He constantly thought he needed to bring something new up. When he couldn't, he felt as if he was worthless. Nothing meant anything anymore. The days he spent in the dark, laying and crying in the garage. He regretted the past, and wondered if ending it would make it all go away.
I cant though. I dont know why I cant.
