How do I heal if this has been all that I know.
Who do I even be.
There is no happy ending, if the normal me no longer exists. Have I ever even really been normal?
Have I even ever been happy?
I just thought I cried everyday back when I was in elementary because I was a brat.
I thought I sat alone most days because I had no friends.
I asked my dad if he hated me when I was 5 and he just slapped me.
I remember running to my old room and slamming the door with such rage that I shattered my mirror.
What if this is all that I am?
I only said I felt smarter knowing how this shit feels, but maybe im only "smarter" because this is me. Because I feel dumb being happy. Because I don't feel like myself. Because that just isn't me.
I had been on my way to heal. But is being healed just going back to ignoring the shit burning around me?
Do I throw a washcloth on the bonfire in front of me and call it a day?
My experiences have caused me to have tunnel vision. I feel nostalgia for memories I never even had, watch families bond, watch friends have fun, imagine getting my own permanent room and being able to decorate it.
Having a safe space that never existed.
I could never have that, any of those. And I never have had any of those.
Is it because of them that im like this?
It hurts to live.
Is it my fault or their fault?
If they knew it was a bad idea to have a kid. If they knew what they were doing was wrong. If they knew they couldn't give me a normal life.
If they couldn't even be there for me.
Why even have me?
Why did you have to turn me into this?
I don't like this.
I wish I would have been aborted.
You both are cruel.
Foster family after foster family, I never felt at home.
I didn't know how to socialize.
I hid from strangers, and begged people not to leave.
And now I cant take myself out because you have forced me into a world and I formed memories I don't even want. Memories that keep me from ending it.
I never wanted to be here. And I never wanted to be yours.
You have given me a life of torture. You have given me mental illness.
I don't even feel comfortable in my body. I cannot recognize what my actions do. I cannot recognize what is unhealthy because you have taught me to live in such an unhealthy way, unhealthy ideals, and unhealthy attachments.
When you find my body, will you ever truly realize the meaning behind all that I have said.
When I told you that I hated you, I meant it.
If suicide is selfish, then allow me to be selfish.
Since you have been selfish with my life so far, since you have gotten to control me.
I should have control over how I die.
I am not a person that should live.
What I have done isn't ok.
Im just like you.
You have turned me into this.
I was never yours.
I was never yours.
I was never yours.
