Beautiful Scars

Kinship

After they take my blood, some of the nurses I recognize, let us know how good it is to see us again. They tell us to bring Melody around so they can meet her. Katniss promises she will.

"Oh, did that one red haired nurse leave?" I ask one of the RN's.

"Who Foxface? Yeah she got fired. She had issues." I'm told by a nurse.

"Sad. I guess she did kind of look like a fox in the face. But I remember her being very helpful to me."

Very helpful in an awkward situation.

"Yeah, I think I remember her too. Ok now, we go to Haymitch and he will tell us what the chances of Cato getting out will be." Katniss groans.

I can tell this is weighing heavily on her. We leave the hospital and head to Haymitch's office.

"Can I ask you something?" I hedge.

"Yeah sure." She replies.

"You said that you told people we were in love once. Did you?" I ask nervously.

"Did I tell people that? Yeah." She confirms.

I take a deep breath.

"Love me once?" I rectify. 

There is a long silence and I start to regret asking her.

"I could have. I mean... if what happened... never happened. I think, I definitely would have. But, I couldn't think about anything except catching Snow, figuring out whether to keep Mel, or whether I was your charity case." She finally answers.

"Katniss... I. You and I. I thought we had something. I never wanted to push you too hard after... what happened, because I felt you needed time. But, I never looked at you like a charity case. You had to know, I liked you more than a friend." I confess.

"I... I didn't... know, for sure. I couldn't think like that because..." She starts but stops.

"What, Katniss? Why couldn't you?" I press.

She quickly pulls into an empty parking lot and stops the car.

"Peeta why are you asking me this, now? We don't need to rehash the past. I... you have a fiancé. It's not important." She says angrily.

"Kat, why couldn't you think that I could've loved you?" I demand.

"Because!"

"Because why?"

"Because... if you loved me and I knew it... I wouldn't have been able to give you up!" She yells.

I knew she felt something.

"Peeta, it's not... things are different now, I know. We are just friends and I'm happy you found someone to be with." 

Happy?

"So you don't feel that way for me anymore?" I ask.

"How- could I? We... hardly know each other anymore." She says shaking her head. 

I guess that answers my question.

"Ok. Sorry, I brought it up." I apologize.

We get back on the road. When we arrive at Haymitch's, I'm flooded with old memories of the time we spent here, getting ready for the trial. I realize how disappointed I am that she doesn't feel more than friendship anymore.

But what about Cass?

Cashmere didn't ask to have to deal with all my baggage and she's being so great. Why can't I just get over my feelings for Katniss? I mean, I'll always care about her. Obviously, we never know about or have feelings for each other at the same time. I thought we did, once. When we kissed in the hospital almost four years ago. But that was also the last time I saw her before she left.