Separated By My Traitors

Taking it back

CW: Panic attack, physical violence, sadness and joy

_ _ _

24th of December 1981

On the day Sirius was released, James started to pack. He let his two friends kiss, attacking each other with their tongues. But as much as James loved them, he wasn't going to sit and watch. Instead he and Mary, conjured some cardboard boxes into all the rooms, and started to pack things away. Remus had agreed during one of their research nights, after inspecting an issue of the Daily Prophet, to move into Potter Manor when all of this was over.

They had both gotten used to living in company. Hogwarts had a great influence in that, and after their partners were taken away, they were glad to have each other. They also had Mary to think about, one of Lily's best friends. Mary had always been closest to Sirius out of the boys, but not as much as she was with her girls. Now, she was alone. Except not really, because James and Remus made sure to always show her support.

MacDonald wasn't going to live with them, despite James' wishes. She had her family, and a muggle boyfriend who didn't quite understand everything that was currently going on. They all missed her being around, and she missed them, she needed them for support after everything that happened during the war. Mary promised to stay in touch and visit regularly, but she wouldn't be living with them.

Sirius was abnormally quiet. Only Remus was able to hold him, to show him they were there. In physical forms, not a figment of his imagination. It was hard for James to lose someone that was still technically there. Sirius was alive, and yet he wasn't. Whenever James stood too close, Sirius would quickly take two steps back, afraid of his best friend. James couldn't reach out like Remus, put a hand on Sirius' bony shoulder.

That night however, after they had finished a silent dinner, Remus excused himself. Retiring to bed early, he left James and SIrius alone. The once rambunctious, up-to-no-good duo, found themselves in an awkward silence at the table. There was nothing James could say or do to make his best friend more comfortable. Living in Azkaban was unimaginable, of course people knew that dementors guarded the prison, but to understand the experience was impossible. James would never truly be able to empathise with Sirius over this. Another thing to separate them.

His parents would know what to do. They had known the day Sirius was disowned. Covering him in blankets, calling Dumbledore, comforting him, making him feel safe. James felt like he was failing, because Sirius didn't feel safe here anymore, and James didn't know how he could fix that.

"Sirius."

He made a noncommittal sound, barely moving, probably not noticing James had even said anything.

"I miss you."

Pale blue eyes met his dark brown ones, holding a bemused look. Black hair fell over his right shoulder, as his head tilted, looking strikingly similar to Padfoot.

"He's not here James."

Sirius murmured. The walls encapsulate the sound, taunting him as they echo the words around them.

"What?"

"Your Sirius. He's gone."

Pausing, James looked down quietly, inspecting the dirt on his shoe. Where's your Gryffindor courage? Shooting a quick glance to Moony and receiving a supportive nod, James found the right words.

"So's your James."

They came out slurred and almost inaudible, but Sirius looked mildly relieved. No longer the only boy in the room with trauma, pain or suffering. Then as if remembering that night Sirius broke. James watched as the walls came down and instead of needing comfort and support, decided he could be a leaning post for Padfoot.