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"Bitch, the only person that touched my vagina, other than me, is you."
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New week, new day. Coach Sylvester pulled Kurt, Mercedes, and I out of class and told us to go to her office in an instant. I'm standing in-between the two, while they're sitting in front of our coach.
"Ladies, what we have here is a grade-A dilemma." She told us, "Mercedes, your vocal cords have had more fantastic runs than a Kenyan track team, but that look simply will not do."
The three of us looked at each other confused about what she meant, "At first, I thought it was a subtle homage to yours truly, but now I fear it's some sort of ironic comment."
"Ms. Sylvester, I'm just not comfortable in those Cheerios skirts." Mercedes shook her head, "They don't fit me right."
I put a comforting hand on her shoulder, as Kurt said, "Mercedes, you shouldn't feel embarrassed about your body."
"You're body is beautiful as it is." I added.
"Embarrassed?" She raised her brow at him, "No, no. I'm worried about showing too much skin and causing a sex riot." We laughed and did our little hand shake.
"How do you three not have a show on Bravo?" She said nonchalantly. I tightened my lips, and Coach continued, "Here's the skinny. Splits magazine, after much campaigning by one Sue Sylvester, has named me cheerleading coach of the last 2,000 years. In seven days, reporter Tracy Pendergrass will arrive on campus, and my new star singer will have lost 10 pounds and be in a gender-appropriate cheerleading uniform, or she is off the team."
Kurt asked in shock, "10 pounds? Are you serious?"
"You could stand to lose a few too, kiddo." Coach retorted, "You got hips like a pear."
"This is insane." I chuckled in disbelief. "You're insane."
"You too, Pocahantas. A bit of trimming on the side wouldn't hurt you." I wrapped my arms around my stomach.
"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to put in a call to the Ohio secretary of state, notifying them I will no longer be carrying photo ID. You know why? People should know who I am."
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Later that day, we got more bad news in the choir room.
"Um, all right, I have one final announcement before we all leave." Mr. Schue sat down in front of us. "We can't use the auditorium for the next week."
"But that's garbage." Finn exclaimed, "How are we supposed to practice for regionals without the auditorium?"
