As it Was / A Joseph Quinn story.

12.

Next morning, at work, I felt like total shit.
I didn't sleep much; all I could think of was my mother's words and Joseph. So, basically, my mom got over the fact my father cheated on her several times and moved on with her life, but yet, I thought she was still hurting. We never really talked about my father and their relationship in the last few years. I just assumed she still was in love with him and couldn't forget her feelings for him.
I was totally wrong. If I only asked her, instead of running away from my issues, like I always did.

I called Lucy in my fifteen minutes break. I really needed her comfort.

"Blondie, we need to talk ASAP"

"OMG are you going to break up with me?" I laughed. She knew how to make me smile.

"Yes, Lucy, you got me"

"What's up, bestie?" I told her about everything that happened between me and Joseph the day before, after we left the party "I figured. There was so much sex tension between you two"

"That's not the point" I told her about Joseph's reaction before leaving his apartment and the talk I had with my mother on the phone "I don't really know what to do"

"Andy, sometimes we create our own issues just to avoid the chance of being happy, because we are afraid of what could happen if everything goes the right way. Just like you. You never spoke to your mom about her feelings, you just assumed she was hurting after so many years. But people move on, eventually. Time heals every wound. I'm sure your mom even dated someone else in all those years but just didn't tell you"

"When did you become so wise?" She giggled

"I'm the best"

"You are" I could hear her smile

"You're my best friend and I want you to be happy. Joseph makes you happy. When you were dancing together, you were smiling and laughing and you were so beautiful. You are afraid of getting hurt, but the only way to get hurt here is if you push Joseph away"

"I don't understand why he had to ruin things with his assumptions"

"I think he's just scared as much as you are. I mean, he's the perfect guy, but as soon as you two get closer, you run way, like you always do" I sighed "Andy, I can't tell you what to do. I think this is the chance for you to be happy after so many years. Maybe I'm reckless and I trust too much, but if Jamie is going to leave me someday, it means he wasn't the right guy for me. I'm going to suffer, I'm sure I will, but it's all part of the plan. At least I won't regret anything because I lived the best f of it. You should do it too, I told you so many times" she really did.

"I need time"

"Sure. But Joseph won't wait forever"

Hunter came out the cafè to tell me my break was over.

"I have to go. Talk to you later. Thank you, Lucy, you're the best".

For the rest of the day I kept on repeating Lucy's words over and over in my head. I knew she was damn right. It just wasn't easy for me to get over my issues, after so many years of running away from love. But deep down inside I knew Joseph was something else. Dating for me was no news, I dated a bunch of guys over the years but all of them were different from Joseph. Something just didn't click with them, probably that's why I ran away. They weren't right.

While I was going back home I received a photo from Lucy. She took a picture of me and Joseph dancing at the engagement party.

"That's what I meant. You are glowing when you're with him. XOXO"

I smiled and kept on looking at the picture for the whole night. He was so handsome, and gentle, and kind... a real catch for any girl in the world. And he was into me. Of all the women out there, he wanted ME. It was almost 6pm when I walked past the pub he worked at. I could have walked in, asked for him and say sorry for being such an asshole. But I didn't. Again, because I'm an asshole.

It took me a couple of days to feel even more miserable. I realized that I missed him. That all I wanted was being with him. And laugh, talk, kiss... and that probably he thought I didn't like him back. What if it was too late?

It was on Friday that I had the chance to see him. I was walking past the pub, going to catch the tube, when he came out the front door with a cigarette inbetween his lips. When I saw him, unexpectedly, my heart bumped, and my stomach got twisted. He didn't expect to see me as well.
I stopped in front of him and I didn't really know what to say. I couldn't understand from his expression if he was happy to see me.

"Joe"

"Hi, Andy" he looked so serious "going to work?" I nodded "have a good day, then"

Why is he acting like this?

"Are you ok?" I asked

"Sure. Why wouldn't I?"

Right. Why wouldn't he? Just because of me?

"Yeah, right... sorry if I asked. See you around" He didn't even look at me while I said goodbye. I felt so bad for the way he treated me that I could feel tears coming up my eyes.
But hey, that's what you get when you let someone like Joseph go. It was all my fault.
All the five dates thing it was a mistake. Too much expectations, too much tension.

I was about to walk away but I stopped and went back.

"I'm sorry" I said, without thinking twice. Carpe diem, right? I didn't have much to lose. He tried not to look into my eyes. He just kept smoking, but the whole cool guy who doesn't have feelings part really didn't suit him.

"No need to be"

"I owe you an apology. It's all my fault...I'm a total mess" that's when he looked at me "I know that probably you won't believe me. I get it. I told you, I'm a dickhead. But this whole thing is driving me insane"

"Welcome to the club"

"I'm just...freaking scared" finally, he had a reaction

"So am I! So am I! I did everything I could to show I would never hurt you! But you keep on sliding away, everytime something good happens! tell me what to do in order to make you trust me!"

I shrugged my shoulders "It's not you..."

"...oh, you're going to play the old it's not you it's me excuse? Oh, great!" He really was angry and it was making me feel worse. I didn't know how to express my thoughts and feelings because it was something I never did. I always kept everything inside of me. The only person who knew what I had in mind was Lucy. The tension between us was rising after every word. The impossibility of saying what was on my mind made me feel useless.

"Listen, Andy, let's just...end it, ok? We shouldn't have started in the first place" those words were like a punch in the face "I need to go back inside. Goodbye" he threw the finished cigarette in the bin and walked back.

Now or never.

"I think I'm in love with you" the words came out of my mouth like a I was shooting a bomb

He stopped right before going in.

"Oh, now you think?!" He asked turning his face to me, still angry. "I need some time to think, Andy"

"I miss you" I said.

He turned and looked right into my eyes for a few seconds. I was shaking. I never felt all those emotions all together. He made a few steps, getting closer to me. He sighed but he didn't say anything else, then he shook his head, and walked back into the pub without even saying goodbye. That was the moment I could feel my heart broke into a million pieces.

~

Hello, readers!
We're getting near the end of this story...☹️
Today's my birthday, so...vote and comment please? Make me happy!

Xoxo
Danielle