I am a coward.
I want to go somewhere soft and hide away under some blankets.
I don't want to spend time with people.
I also organised a buddy mentor meeting for a university scheme. So I have to go there.
I'm wearing more chains than usual. And spikes.
And I can feel my reflux bubbling up like my heartbeat.
I wish I had someone to hug, who wasn't myself.
I feel like I can't talk to anyone.
I feel like I can't open up. Well. I've opened up. I do it all the time. This is why I wear chains.
My therapist told me about the vulnerable part of myself.
I am weak, I don't have any fighting skills, either physically or psychologically, and when I'm under too much pressure I give up and go insane. I hear voices.
I feel tightness in my chest.
I hear the passengers say things that sound like other things.
I feel tension rise inside me when I think of my stop approaching.
It's just a train journey.
It's not even my stop.
I'm like this every time.
Everyone I meet on the street makes me wonder if my heart will start pounding. Or if I'll shy away and blush.
Usually I don't.
My therapist told me I am strong and that she admires the strong part of me, but to be honest I'm weak all of the time.
—
I am God.
I'm paranoid that my drink's been poisoned or something because they didn't call out my number like for everyone else and I think I typed die or got autocorrected by accident.
I think there was an actor in my group, or that they were all acting, and that the people around me are acting.
Some people are fake. I can't hear what they're saying but they move like plastic.
Anyways so I did the mentor meeting and I think it went well.
My smoothie is actually delicious.
Its cool temperature is removing my headache slightly.
I'm paranoidly sipping it a bit at a time JUST IN CASE it's poisoned, but if it was I'd be dead by now anyway (probably).
So I think there's an army of people trying to drive me insane for reasons I don't understand.
I think that they think I'm acting all the time, when I never act.
I dressed up all red and then typed up "red herring".
I looked it up on Wikipedia.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_herring
Now I'm going to care for myself and hide away.
I'm still in the library.
I'm going to put my hood up and my mask on and sleep.
I'm in the law section, but I've always struggled remembering them.
Got there by chance.
—
I was lying on my back in the law section, between shelves of books, with my red skull mask on, silently giggling my ass off. I had chains on and spikes. My clothes were black and red and I had my hood up.
A random passerby saw me and said "are you okay?"
Me: "yessss..."
It came out as a whisper.
He walked off.
I'm laughing in the back of my throat as I rule thus. I mean, "type this".
Indeed, I am a ruler, I am a king, I am a God, I am a God King -
—
So... I didn't hear half of what people were saying but I think it went well because one of them asked me if I'd be going to kendo on Saturday. I was like, yeah. Then I went and wished the last person there a good day.
Then I went for a piss in the bathroom, used the mirror to look at my glorious self, posed and waved at a random person who entered,
Me/voices: I'm a nutcase.
And then I washed my hands and left, or I'd already washed my hands, the order doesn't matter.
Then, I bought myself a smoothie.
Distant cars as I type this in my room: beeep. Beeep. Beeep.
EvErYtHiNg Is AbOuT mE.
That's what an advert said earlier. I think. It said "REVOLVE" and I took it personally.
—
After I got home and did stuff, my voices called me a reptile.
As I read this chapter, I'm hooting with laughter, and the voices at the back of my head give me low chuckles.
Me: what if THEY READ THIS?
Voices: say it.
I say to my voices, as thou commandest.
I know the voices are me. Again.
A voice laughs once at that, as a joke.
The voice's sound: hm!
It could have been the water in the pipes, or a creak of the house. It could also have been my arm tapping my bed.
