LEGS & FRAMES

CHAPTER ONE

It had just been a week since i had came out to my mother  about my sexuality , it also has been a while since I haven't had a mere conversation with my father . Tomorrow I am turning 18 years and I could feel it in my veins that it is going to be a long , sad & somber day for me .  I really hate birthdays I really do not know how to describe them - just find it a little bit bizarre for someone to effing recite a happy birthday song to me . What's even worse is I have to pretend & just blush and not say anything because what will I say ? ' oh thank you guys this is so sweet , you really shouldn't have ' oh come on. I am never excited for my birthdays.

After telling my mom about my true self I felt liberated in a way that is not mentally liberated.  I have been on the verge to end my life because my mother, my whole support system just made things pretty awkward between us by deciding to not talk to me for a week now after I told her about my true self. I have locked myself in my room for a quite some time now, binge watching series and also listening to some playlist on Spotify . I also haven't been out because I fear the world because it is full of unkind people who do not hesitate to say meaningful & hurting things to you - ending that 2% of self - confidence that you have that is left . I have constantly been crying so much because I feel unwanted in this place and yet tomorrow is my birthday  , i really wish i could die. And I am not ready for tomorrow - to face people.

My friend , Lexi has been coming to check up on me - not that anything is wrong with me , nothing's wrong with me I am totally fine I am literally okay.
Me and Lexi first met in the 9th grade of high school and we've been friends from that time till now . I love Lexi because she literally can empathize with me but she is not my best friend , I have my own best friend - Laurette and she also has her own best friend - Kezia. Kezia and Lexi were friends from primary school but not until now when Kezia was pregnant - still is pregnant and concluded with the rumour that Lexi is the one that has been telling people about her pregnancy and she also included me because me and Lexi were pretty close friends like very very close friends at that time , maybe she felt like I was going to replace her , and no Lexi loves Kezia so much but yet Kezia does not acknowledge that. Fast forward Lexi confronted Kezia about the rumour and Kezia never denied anything and told Lexi to stay away from her , probably this was the pregnancy hormones at it's best. After the ending of their friendship it took Lexi a long time ( I mean months) to come to terms with the fact that their long-term friendship with Kezia has come to an end . Lexi had sleepless night and she had a surge of different emotions as they were spiralling , I was there for Lexi and entertained her made her feel like her usual original self . It takes courage and determination for people to admit that they are depressed or had an omnipresent , spiralling mental health - not a stable one . The same thing as Lexi but the first step to overcoming depression & all sort of mental illnesses is accepting the situation and your condition and later dealing with it.

I miss my best friend , Laurette , now because it's been a week without going to school & i switched off my phone because I cannot face the world and the people right now with this "me" that I hate . I am pretty sure wherever she is she literally wonders where am I and it might be that tomorrow or tonight Lexi might come to my crib sent by Laurette to check up on me . After this thought , I quickly jumped up from my bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower of after 5 days of not showering . One thing about having constant mental breakdown is that you lose interest in so many things like the mandatory thing like taking a shower or brushing your teeth . I mean you just wake up every morning with nothing productive to do with your life other than facing your lonely , miserable unloved self. Like , the minute you open your eyes your eyes are already filled with tears and you try so hard to hold them back but you can't and you just break down there alone with no one checking up on you, not your little sister nor your mother. You try to compose yourself every morning that you will be your usual self , be all ecstatic and enthusiastic ,  listen to Frank Ocean's discography and pretend to be okay for a day at school but no , everytime you try it just feels like you forcing things and you can't handle everything and now you are forced to lock yourself in your room because of how miserable you are ? When will this ever end ? I am literally drained emotionally & mentally i don't want to lie.

Now that I am used to this roller coaster of emotions I think it's time now I seek professional help even though my mother would not believe me. Let me not put my mind in this for too long maybe I will get better when time goes on , what if my 18th birthday come with amazing blessings , what if I will be okay after my 18th birthday ? I really hope and pray that I will be fine and this loneliness , resentment , this feeling of lacking that I am feeling would all fade away.

Just Maybe.

It's a good morning.  The sun is shining bright , brooded bright on my window and the birds are chirping and it sounds like life outside of my room is amazing , and it's the 23rd of April and I am turning 18 years old today and it's a Saturday. I thought my mother will be the one to wake me up with a happy birthday song , maybe I woke up early or maybe I should probably go back to sleep and wait for my mother to come wake me up with a cake in her hands and my favourite breakfast , yes waffles toppled on top with honey & some berries  and my favourite blueberry milkshake from Ruby's Bakery. This just vividly reminded me when I was turning 10 years old and my mom woke me up  on my birthday with a cake & a lot of balloons . She had just baked a cake which means she probably woke as early as 5AM to bake it and to surprise me , I mean this is the dream of every child wishes to see every year on their birthday right ? Fast forward , she would come bearing lots of gifts not forgetting my favourite blueberry milkshake and waffles. I first fell in love with waffles when we went to this restaurant down the road , after her and my father were in a controversial conversation and my father vanished and never saw him again. And he came back when I was 14 years old , my father went away for 4 years and what's so funny is that I didn't miss him at all.