Doore: A Short Sapphic Romance (GxG)

Until the end

I had waited the entire day for Ashwathy to get home only to fall asleep later. I woke up to a faint knock on the door. I shuffled on the bed and checked my phone to see that it was only 4 in the morning. Lazily, I had walked to the door and unbolted it to find aunty. I frowned at what could possibly have brought her to my room so early in the morning.

...

"I waited so long for you", I said holding her arm. I had been lucky that Ashwathy hadn't gone for her gig with aunty. It was finally just us both in the house. I hugged her, my hands wrapping even tighter around her.

"What is it?" She asked, in a stoic tone.

"I missed you", I spoke in a lowered voice before being pushed away. I stood in shock at her action.

"Aashi",I spoke before holding out my hand to hold Ashwathy's but she flicked it away.

"Stop calling me that. It is disgusting"

"What are you talking about Ashwathy?"

"I'm saying that I regret it. I feel horrible"

"What?"

"About everything. Everything we did. About us"

"I told you we could take it slow"

"Is that all you can think about? What am I, your slut?"

"Ashwathy what the fuck!"

She threw the clothes in her hand on the bed, pushing me against the door, pinning my hands on either side.

"This is what you want, isn't it?" Ashwathy spoke looking into my eyes before kissing me. I managed to push her, but she was unfazed. It felt like a repetition of the past and the more aggressive it got, I realized I was frozen and dazed, tears rolling down my cheeks; I sat hugging myself, as I repeatedly pleaded. Ashwathy was taken aback, the shock visible on her face. She panicked for a second before walking out of the room.

...

I had taken SSRI's for long but hadn't had to do it since coming here. This was the first time and I blamed myself for it. What did she mean it was horrible? Why did she regret everything? I wished that I could undo whatever it was that I did wrong. I thought back to when aunty had come earlier. That must be it.

***

"Sorry, it's early isn't it?" Aunty spoke as she stood outside looking at me still blinking rapidly.

"It's okay. But why-"

"I had something important to inform you"

"Okay, come in", I led her in.

"It's about Ashwathy. A colleague of mine has agreed to get her a job in Chennai. Not modelling but it's a good position for someone inexperienced as her", she spoke, fiddling with her hands.

"But aunty, I have already spoken to a senior at an agency. He agrees that she has potential. She could continue-", I was cut off.

"I want a normal life for her. I heard about you from Kavya", I looked at her skeptically.

"What did you hear?" She asked masking her shock with a chuckle.

"About what you are.. and..", she said sighing. I nodded in response and waited for her to continue. I knew exactly where this was going.

"I'm going to take her to Kottiyoor for a week, day after. It has nothing to do with you", she clarified making me laugh.

"I don't want her to be involved in your kind of life anymore", she said making her intentions clear. I nodded. Aunty got up and walked to the door.

"Just don't tell her anything. I'll leave", I spoke before she walked out, closing the door behind her. The day had been difficult as it is waiting to talk to Ashwathy but now there were other problems she had to deal with. But she still believed she could make it work, despite the hurdles.

***

Had aunty talked to Ashwathy? If yes why didn't she just tell me instead of pushing me away? I didn't have time to sit around. Talking to Ashwathy was the only way I could solve the issue at hand. I rushed down to Ashwathy's room to find it empty. I walked to the fountain and the outhouse to no avail. There was only one more place in the house I could think of. I headed to the pond and saw Ashwathy swimming before going down. I waited until she emerged out of the water.

"Did aunty tell you anything?"

"I don't want to talk to you", she said walking up the steps, drenched.

"You're not even going to apologize for yesterday. What you did, it reminded me of her", I spoke before instantly regretting it. This was not what I came here for.

"I'm sorry. Now let me go", she spoke without a change of tone.

"I don't- It's not what I wanted to talk about, alright. Ashwathy, if your mother told you something, we can still talk!"

"No. We can't. Your world is different. I don't fit in, Anjali. It must be easy for you to be who you are, but me? If this gets out, have you thought about what happens to me?"

"We can keep it secret"

"How long would I have to live as your secret?"

"Once you work with magazines, you'll be in the same fucking world okay. There's nothing to worry about, I have talked to-"

"Who asked you to? Did you ask me?"

"If it's helping you-"

"You're fucking selfish. You're doing all this for yourself. It is helping you, not me Anjali", she said walking away until I grabbed her hands.

"What are you doing? If it's to hurt me and get rid of me, it's working"

"Good. Because seeing you reminds me of how weak I am. You said your ex rescued you, didn't you? I can never rescue you. I can never be there for you or help you skyrocket your career or anything at all!"

"It doesn't matter Ashwathy!"

"You're still only thinking about yourself, aren't you? To who does it not matter? To you! Anjali. It doesn't matter to you"

"That's not-"

"You know what, maybe you deserve that toxic ex of yours. Maybe you're worth only that", it was a shock to me. It left me speechless. I stood silent rethinking every moment I had spent thinking I was happy. I didn't deserve it....ever...happiness. In a corner of my mind, I knew I was still only thinking about myself. Maybe it was who I was. The person in front of me had disappeared but what she had said would remain, I knew, until the end.