Doore: A Short Sapphic Romance (GxG)

The End?

-Sanya-

I wasn't the best person to her ever. We had met back in university and were acquainted through circumstantial friendship of being stuck in the same class. But things had changed during the final year when it happened. What made me run up to the roof on the annual day? I'm not sure of it yet. Something about her that week had been unusual. I was so thankful I hadn't been late. We had been through therapy for a few months before she had decided to quit and try photography. She was happy and so was I; that she finally had something she liked. I would never have guessed that I could be the reason for someone's well being. 

So when she had spoken of her liking for me, I had promised to try. To myself and to her. I did. I didn't know when things had gone wrong and when had I turned into a person like that. The few years, I had grown tired of taking care of her. The constant need of being there for her; I had grown tired of it. But I couldn't have thought of letting her go. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that it was out of fear of her health than liking or love. I hadn't ever had a chance to mention it to her. I feared the consequences even. I couldn't blame my behavior on alcohol or depression. All that I did were things that hurt her. Because I knew that she had no one else. That she had always chose me. 

When I spoke to Sanjana, I grew anxious about the new girl she had mentioned. I would let slide anything if she was actually happy. But I couldn't stand her being hurt again; by someone other than me. When I saw her helpless and grieving, I had realized how much I had forgotten to let her be herself. I hadn't once told her to go out there or get things done. She was bound to get hurt, by me, by that girl, by everyone. She had been protected all these years; at least that was what I thought I was doing. Maybe not. I knew it would take her to hell if she had time to think about it. She had refused therapy and I had assumed it could be ignored as long as she was indulged in photography. For years, she had done great; but all of a sudden, when I had seen her try to deal with feelings herself, I felt like I had let her down. 

When she was happy to come along with me, despite a few harsh words, I had thought of it as a chance. A chance to redeem myself and be there for her; even if it was as a friend. Reality was that neither of us could do better; neither of us deserved anyone else. It felt like a reality where happiness wasn't meant for the both of us. Yet, we had everything, many dreamt of achieving. 

"I will leave tomorrow. I want to be free" 

I felt a sudden rush of blood into my brain, as she had spoken. Like everything had amounted to nothing. The feeling of not being enough. But, for what I had done, I deserved worse. 

"You should regret forever. But I'm sorry as well. You gave up a lot to be with me back then"

I had given up on sleep, my studies and a lot more just so I could be there. But it was all a conscious choice I had made back then; regardless of how it ended up, I didn't regret and will never regret choosing her over everything. I still regret how everything was so simple to end. Simple. I laughed at myself as I interrupted my own thought. What about any of this has ever been simple for Li and me. It had taken me years to realize that we were never meant to be, not as lovers, not as soulmates. I should have known my boundaries. Yet, when she snuggled in bed, cuddling, kissing, I had forgotten about boundaries. 

I was getting ready to lay on the quilt like the day before as she pulled me onto bed. 

"Sleep here. I said I'm leaving tomorrow" She had said before kissing me. 

"This isn't right" I had replied but I was ignored. As we threw aside pieces of fabric, I could see what she actually meant with everything. It was anything but torture. It was anything but even minutely pleasurable. 

"Do you have to go" I had asked as the one tear made its way down onto the pillow as I hugged her from behind. 

"Yes"

"Can't you..", I had paused for a long while, "good night". 

"Night", she had said. 

...

You should regret forever. You should regret forever. The voice wouldn't leave my mind. I had woken up to a note, 'I am glad to have met you but if history does repeat, I'd like it if you didn't save me again, like back then. I plan on going far away this time. Take care', it had read. I rushed to the door. the fact that I had a hint of what she had thought, but made no conscious effort to stop her. I pushed it open. 

An empty cupboard, the missing suitcases, a well made bed... 

***

Ashwathy returned the glasses to the shopkeeper and walked to her mother. She had put the crumbled banana leaves in the trash and walked out. The phone rang in her bag. Her mother looked at the screen before handing it over to her. 

"Hello, Tony. In Kottiyoor, why?" Her face flushed white as she listened to him. She rushed back to the opposite side of the road, to a stationary shop, grabbing the latest magazine hanging by a thread. She flipped the pages and stopped as she thought she saw a glimpse of someone familiar. She flipped the pages, one by one and slowly this time. There was no hurry. It could be false. It wasn't possible. She stopped at the middle page that had a two page article about Anjali Shenoy, the commercial photographer who had brought magic into pictures. 

***

An empty cupboard, the missing suitcases, a well made bed.... would have been way better. A far better one. I had dialed the number on my phone even before I had rushed through that door.  I looked at the pale face, the limp hands. I hadn't walked beyond the door, I couldn't. I couldn't move, or cry. You were right Li. I will regret forever. Everything. 

***

'In remembrance', Ashwathy had read through the page too many times. It wasn't true. She looked back at her mother who stood shocked beside her. Could she blame her? Wasn't she equally to blame? Everything she had said to Anjali had come back to her, playing in her mind like a tape on repeat. I regret it. I will regret it forever. She fell down on her knees as she flicked her mother's hand away from her. 

 'I am glad to have met you but if history does repeat, I'd like it if you didn't save me again, like back then. I plan on going far away this time'

[Doore ( meaning 'Far away' in malayalam) Ends Here]

(#A/N - Hello people who have been reading and supporting Doore. I have another project in mind, so I decided it was time to end this one. How do you like the ending? Is it realistic or it is rushed? Please do share honest feedback in the comments if you do have the time. Have a wonderful rest of the day to everyone reading. The journey throughout this story has been wonderful. Until next time)