Goldilocks Forever

Chapter 59

Staten Island, New York

March 11, 2011

She tried to concentrate on playing the violin, but her mind wandered in too many other directions. Mrs. Moretti's grandchildren were going to visit. By mid-morning, she abandoned her musical efforts and worked in the kitchen, baking two dozen sugar cookies. She used a juice glass to cut the dough and wished she had cookie cutters to make animal or other fun shapes. The kids would like that. She colored frosting and piped designs on the cookies, sprinkling chocolate jimmies and sparkly flecks of sugar.

Then she waited. At the first sound of juvenile footsteps on the stairs, she leapt up from the couch and retrieved several of the cookies. She opened the apartment door a crack, keeping the chain fastened, and peered out the crack. The two older children, a boy and girl of about six and eight, were already heading into the Moretti's apartment. Their younger brother, a boy three or four years old, was always dragging behind them, occupied with some toy he carried with him.

The children visited at least once a week, and by now, she and the little boy had settled into a routine. He stopped in the hallway, and before walking through the open door to his grandparents' apartment, stopped and looked through the crack in Anna's door. She smiled at him.

He wore a puffy blue jacket with a red and blue striped hat and mittens. His cheeks were red from the cold and his lips pink and wet, like he'd been licking them.

"Hello," she whispered to him. He smiled back at her and looked at her with big brown eyes. Oh, those eyes. She couldn't see his hair underneath the hat, but she knew it, too, was dark brown. Like Beau. Beau was about his age and probably had similar dark brown eyes. Her heart ached when she looked at the little boy on her doorstep. She wanted to grab him, hug him, bring him inside her apartment and feed him cookies all afternoon, listen to him prattle on, watch him play with the toy truck he carried under his arm.

She extended the best cookie to him through the crack in the door. "Cookie?"

He gently took it from her fingers and put it in his mouth and chewed. He smiled through a mouthful, crumbs falling onto his jacket. "Thank you!" he said in his childish little chirp. He grinned wider and took another bite.

She beamed. Usually, he took one bite of the cookie and then toddled into his grandmother's apartment happily. So many times she'd watched him go, the tassel on his hat bobbing as he ran off. But today he lingered, smiling up at her shyly.

"Do you like it?"

He nodded enthusiastically. She watched his baby teeth gnash over the sugared surface of the cookie.

Mrs. Moretti approached. "Where's your little brother?" The little boy's eyes widened. He grinned mischievously and giggled. Anna's heart melted. If only she could hear Beau's voice, hear him giggle like that.

The older woman appeared in the doorway. Seeing her youngest grandson, she put her hands on her hips. "There you are. What are you--?"

He whirled around and faced his grandmother. She gazed down at him with a punishing look and scooped him up into her arms. "Leave the nice lady alone."

Anna protested. "Oh, no! It's okay...I thought he might like a cookie." Mrs. Moretti gave her a stern glare, even more punishing than the one she gave her grandchild. "I don't mind." Anna continued. "I—" She almost said, I have a little boy, but she stopped herself. No one could know. She couldn't talk about Beau to anyone, could never mention his name.

Mrs. Moretti shot one final look—Anna thought she read some contempt—and slammed her door shut. Anna shut hers and leaned up against it. She closed her eyes, tried to stop the flow of tears, but they poured from her in loud sobs. Her back against the door, she slid to a crouch, the full force of shame and disappointment hitting her. She yearned to hold that little boy in her arms, even hold his hand, but she knew he was only a substitute for what she really longed for. Missing Beau was a constant ache, a chronic pain in her heart.