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"mamita what is your favorite song?"
"mmmm. i don't know mija."
"what's mija mami?" i raised an eyebrow at her. mija was one of her spanish words of the week, her not knowing it let's me know that she skipped it as i thought. this will be the second time she's done that, all because she doesn't want to read.
"eres el amor de mi vida mija." the weekly sentence she was supposed to learn. if she doesn't know, that tells me something. she acts so much like me it's annoying at times.
"mammiii."
"no. you were supposed to do your words. why didn't you?"
she slumped in her seat and i kept my same look. i'll fold eventually but that's if she doesn't before me. we have these looks that only work on each other. it's like we challenge one another without even saying it. one simple look can change it all. and she caught on to that as a small child.
my baby girl is the exact same person as i. like i gave birth to myself, just a happier version. she deserves it. she didn't ask to be here so therefore i will show her a life that would have her appreciating her bringing.
"i wanted to watch tv after school work, and i wanted you to do it with me like the other times...i'm sorry mami."
"it's okay, just don't lie to me please. that's all i ask." i grabbed her hand across the table and kissed it. me not being home much takes a toll on her sometimes. it makes me feel really bad because i promised her the first time this wouldn't happen again. i shouldn't have made that promise because now i feel like my father. a deadbeat liar. that's not what i want to be in life. i want my children to be able to love and trust me without any second thoughts.
something i didn't have completely growing up.
"ok. it won't happen again."
"thank you...and if you want to start waiting for me to get home to do it, we can. but i'll be home more so we can do it more often...i'm sorry for not being home my love."
"it's okay mami...i know you have to work."
"but you know that mamita is trying right? i'll never lie to you in a way to harm you baby. when i say i'll be home and don't come right away, i'm not trying to disappoint you, i promise."
"i know, you say this every time mami. i'm 6 but i'm really smart like abuela says. you're trying and i accept that."
i chuckled at her choice of words and swallowed the sadness coming in my throat. i'm barely there to even witness the growth in her vocabulary. that's not fair to her. i shouldn't be surprised when she says certain things because i should be teaching it to her.
she deserves parents that are present and willing to be there. i'm willing...i just have to make time. and that's what i'm working on. it's just one of the busiest times of the year. her father goes through the same. but that has nothing to do with me unless my baby has an issue with it.
