"onika you're full of hickeys..." my breath hitched as she stumbled through the elevator. i couldn't believe the sight before me.
"w-what? hickeys?"
she was obviously out of her mind on a different level. i helped her upstairs, ignoring the emotions pooling inside of me. my eyes filled with tears as i examined her body. full of marks that i didn't give her.
her face was red and she was strong with weed and alcohol. i should've went with her like she asked. she didn't seem to have a clue of what was happening. her vibe of cluelessness showed.
"what happened onika?"
"i don't- i don't know. i was asleep two seconds ago." she slurred as we went into the bathroom.
maybe something happened to her and she isn't aware. i did everything to get her comfortable in bed. shower, food and even a massage. all while keeping my tears in.
i kept my eyes on onika as she slept. the bruises on her body that proved sexual pleasure. except they weren't put there by me. my heart hurt knowing that.
she slept so peacefully as if nothing was to be addressed. i wanted to wake her with drama, but knew that would get me nowhere. onika isn't the typical girl. she doesn't respond to nonsense.
me yelling will make her dismiss me and not care. which will hurt me even more than i already am.
it was getting hard to sit there and watch her, so i shook her softly. pushing her wild hair back and kissing all over her face. the only thing on my mind was another person doing the same.
"mmmm. giselle it hurts." she whined and turned over. i got out of bed and walked around to her. pulling her arms so she sat up slowly. last night, i put a trash can near the bed along with pain medicine.
before she could puke her guts out, i pushed the can towards her. nothing but puke. i cringed and turned away as she let her night out.
"come on." i helped her to the bathroom. she brushed her teeth and washed her face, all without looking at herself.
but when she did, her eyes stayed there. she had a look of confusion and it never left.
"what happened last night?" i spoke up. her eyes looked to me through the mirror and i knew that she couldn't tell me. she didn't know.
that hurt more.
"i don't- i don't know. i remember being with- with um...jayda and her friends. baby i don't- i don't know what to tell you right now."
the pain in her face let me know that she was telling the truth. she wouldn't cheat on me willingly so i believed her. too much was invested into us for her to give up like that. she isn't dumb. far from it actually.
i felt my tears fall and i wiped them, they kept flowing. just the fact that someone else had her hurt me. she's mine and no one else is to have her.
"i'm sorry."
she kept repeating it, pulling me into a hug. i didn't want it. pulling away and walking completely out of the room, i cried. i know this wasn't intentional, but it's the fact.
"what do you mean you missed your period?"
"i missed it....this has never happened before."
i frowned as she kept her heavy stare at me. her missing her period only meant one thing and it all started to add up. she'd been asking for weird things and threw up a few times not thinking i knew. i'd bought a few pregnancy tests a week ago, all because i had thoughts.
now it makes sense.
without saying a word, i grabbed them. quickly unraveling it and pushing it into her chest. i knew that made her upset, but i didn't care. i'm beyond upset, i'm livid.
"don't be pushing shit on my chest giselle. i don't care how mad you are."
"whatever. go take the test onika." i mushed her in the bathroom and watched her hesitantly take it. we kept a stare with each other until it was time to look.
"can you look for me?"
"no."
"baby please....don't do me like this, i didn't ask for it." she whined as if she was about to cry. i gave in and snatched the test from the sink aggressively. although i was upset, i was just as scared as she was.
my eyes narrowed as i read it.
"you're fucking pregnant."
i watched onika and rio talk over their six month old baby bump. it hurt me to see that her first child had nothing to do with me. no relations.
we've been arguing a lot and i can't say it's because of her. i'm the cause of them all because of my jealousy. just thinking about it makes me want to cause hell.
once he left it was just us again.
i'd been ignoring her. leaving her to do things on her own while i sulked in the dark. i wanted her, but i didn't want to give her the pleasure of having me.
"you're having a baby that doesn't have shit to do with me! how the fuck do you think i feel?!"
"you think i asked for this shit!? i didn't even know the shit happened!"
"well maybe that should tell you to stop being such a depressing alcoholic! all you do is drink your sorrows away! drown yourself in weed to cover up your sick ass life!" i screamed.
maybe i said some things that shouldn't have come out of my mouth. she isn't an alcoholic, she only drinks occasionally. which is rarely ever because she's only business and home.
my anger is taking over which never matters to her because she can go ten times harder.
"i'm not an alcoholic.....i can't say i'm not depressed because i am. my life being sick doesn't have anything to do with me. things i didn't ask for happen to me all the time and i'm always blamed or left with the worst situations to deal with. you said you loved me and would never throw my fucked up-ness in my face....i know that i'm fucked up. everything about me is and you were the only one i felt could understand that....but fuck you."
it surprised me that she didn't yell back. usually i would be in the corner crying because she came back at me. but she's calm, talking and not yelling.
"i'm not about to keep making myself feel
bad when i've apologized several times. given you so much to prove my loyalty and that what i did was a mistake i had no idea was made. i'm fucking trying. you've made this whole pregnancy miserable and i refuse to have my baby born into this....we obviously can't come to terms with this situation so maybe this is it. i'm done."
i watched her get on the elevator and disappear.
my jealousy ruined me.
