tarlos addicted and missing love

first and second attempt

Some days later

Tk pov

I was with Carlos in a van. We were getting ready for me to go and talk to the dealer. They put a bulletproof west on me. And a hoodie over it to hide it. Carlos talked to me telling me to be really careful. I was nervous myself and it didn't help that he is as nervous as me. I could see it all over him. I just wanted to be done for him and my self. I dont wanna stress him out longer then i have to.

I was sent out. They kept cameras on me. I texted the dealer. I had just taken some drugs to calm my nerves. It helps but now i hide it from Carlos. I don't want him to see me doing it when he wants me to stop.

I waited and the dealer he eventually came. I went as i normally do. He just gave me it and i gave the money.

"thanks" i said its just what i normally say. Not many words. He went one way and I went the other way. He went some away before the cops jumped on him and arrested him.

I went to a car longer away from where they were to not put suspicion on me. At least as little as possible. Carlos came to me later.

We went to his apartment and he made dinner. I still had to hide just in case. I kept trying to not use drugs but i always failed in the end. Carlos didn't ask but i know he probably gets mad when he finds out. I am scared of it. We ate and we cuddled after. It was so sweet tho. How he cared for me. It made me go off the drugs for longer periods but i still take it in the end when he leaves me alone with myself. I just cant fight myself and my thoughts. I don't wanna be alone. It fucks it all up. So i just waste all the work i did every time i take it again.

Some time passed

I was taking it in the bathroom. Carlos walked in on me doing it. He was mad when he saw it, and said he believed i actually was stopping. And not that i was hiding it from him.

We fought. I told him its my life. Its true but i am putting Carlos in my life so its not fair of me to hurt him. He ended up telling me we need a break so i can stop with the drugs. And that he wont talk to me until i stop taking the drugs.

He told me before he left that i am hurting him by using the drugs. I heard him taking a phone call. He then left telling me to tell him when i am clean. I just sat there taking it in. I know i need him to put his foot down so i will stop. But it still felt a little cruel and i know it will hurt and be torture.

Some other cops came in instead of Carlos. I didn't eat much i kinda lost apatite. And it wasn't Carlos delicious food.

I started to force my self to not take the drugs. I thought the best way if i locked them somewhere and threw away the key as then i can't go back and get it later. i just have to deal with the fact that i won't have it. I locked it in a safe Carlos has i know the code tho. So i changed it to something random when not looking. I know it will cost to get it open, but then at least i am clean and Carlos will be happy about that. Right?

It felt so slow in the start. I was sitting in my room moving back and forth hugging myself. Sitting in a ball. I was watching tv on my pc but i am not sure it was distracting me enough. I kept trying to focus on taking deep breaths.

My hands were shaking. Everytime i tried to change something on the pc i could see how bad my shaking was. It was scary but i know it will hopefully end when I am over the hard period. I kept moving back and forth to calm and comfort my self. I kept reminding my self why i am doing this. And its all for Carlos.  

I didn't sleep through the whole night just staring at the screen. The cop was checking on me in between, it was annoying when i was trying to cope. I passed out after the second day of not sleeping. I slept for a long time. My back hurt after by how i was sleeping.