Shattered Pieces

Fifteen

"Olivia, what are you doing here?" Spencer complains as he walks into the condo.

"No. You've been doing all the talking. Now, you listen."

"I'm not in the—"

"You're being an asshole, and I'm sick of it, so shut the hell up and let me talk!"

He moves his lips to speak, but no words come.

"Spencer, I'm your wife. You've shut me down at every turn, and at first, I kept quiet and took it because I made a mistake. I was wrong. Is that what you've been waiting to hear? I was wrong!"

"Olivia—"

"You're still not talking." I quickly silence him.

If I let him take over this conversation, I may never get the chance to speak my peace. He's lost, and he's lashing out. Enough is enough.

"I was nineteen, Spencer. Freshly nineteen. You act like I looked you in your face on our wedding day, smiled, and said, 'I'm about to screw you over big time.' I was stuck between you and a hard place. How can you not see that? Why can't you see how impossibly hard that day was for me?"

"I'm trying, Olivia—"

"No, you aren't. You're throwing yourself a pity party and trying to force everybody to attend. Well, guess what, I want out. I'm not going to sit here and watch while you make everything worse. While you destroy everything."

This storm has been brewing, and I'm just caught in the middle of it. It's been trying to take control, but I refuse to be a sitting duck while my life unfolds in front of me. I refuse to allow the weight of this situation to drown me.

"I fell so hard into you, Spencer, that you became a part of me. So deep, so far, I hardly ever see past you. I slipped right through my own fingers because I was too busy holding onto you. That's what happened on our wedding day. I felt her protruding stomach, and suddenly, you were disappearing in front of my eyes."

"I would've chosen you, Olivia."

"I know that, Spencer. But for some reason, the universe didn't choose me to carry your first child. The universe didn't choose me to give you a precious baby girl. All you keep seeing is that I lied to you, and I did. But Spencer, I was lying to myself because I didn't want it to be true."

He walks closer to me, but I take a few steps back. He doesn't get to comfort me when he's been so hot and cold. I'm tired of prioritizing him over myself. I'm tired of considering his feelings at the expense of mine. I'm tired of being the villain in this story. He did this.

"You should have just told me that, Olivia. In the beginning."

"Is that what you've been hating to hear? I hate that there is forever proof that you and Kennedy ever existed. I hate that she had your first child. You don't know if you love me more than you hate what I did. I chose to love you more than I hated that you'd taken that moment from me."

Spencer's head drops before he cautiously looks back to me.

"I should've never said those words to you."

"No, Spencer. You shouldn't have."

He tries another step toward me, but again I retreat.

"I'm sorry, Olivia."

"Because you're genuinely remorseful, or because I called you out for being a crap husband?"

"I don't know how to fix this, Olivia." He whispers. His face in the palms of his hands.

"You chose to try to figure it out on your own; I've always been here. I've always been on your side. This was what you wanted, Spencer."

"I don't feel safe in my own skin. I'm trying to escape, and it's like there's no way out. I'm just playing this waiting game, and I don't know how to play. I can't sleep. I can't think. She's three, Olivia. For three years, she's been wondering, 'where is daddy?' I'll never have a good enough answer for her without destroying how she sees her mom."