The Murphy Princess

Chapter 10

Dear Jade,

I remember the day you were born. People probably would call me a liar. I was three years old. How could I have any memories? But I remember you. I remember being surprised that you had dark hair when mine was so blonde. Turns out, most babies have dark hair to start. I thought you were the most beautiful baby in the entire world. I was jealous of you even then. Your name, first. Mine was so average. I've met plenty of Kailey's. I've never met a Jade. It seemed exotic, other worldly. I thought you'd probably end up ruling it all. I looked up the meaning of your name. Precious stone.

I held you in my arms and told you I loved you. Everyone cooed, thinking this was the most adorable thing. I meant it then, and I mean it now.

I'm mad at you, Jade.

I was sad for so long, like mom. I asked myself why was I so blind? Why didn't I see what you were doing to yourself? I was a bad sister. Maybe I'm not a good sister, but I love you. And when I found you in the bathroom that day, I thought you were dead.

I'm ashamed to say that in my darkest moments of rage, I wished you had died that day.

Maybe you're in pain and that's why you do this. Heaven knows, there's so much fucking pain in this world. And plenty of it to go around.

I want you to find happiness. I want it to be enough to keep you here with us. With me.

Maybe I'm not enough to make you want to stay. That's okay. I understand. But know I love you. I support you. And not in the empty way people say it. I think of you all the time. I think about finding you on that bathroom floor and praying to God you'd breathe.

And you did.

Maybe we aren't as close as we were that day in the hospital room when I held you and said you were the most beautiful baby I'd ever seen. Maybe we can never be that close again. I don't really know. I don't really know what I'm saying or where any of this is going. I've never been the smart sister, or the coolest, or the bravest.

I think you're all of those things, and more. You're precious to me.

With all my love,

K

*****************************

I slid the note under Jade's door.

She'd probably throw it away. Maybe she'd open it. Maybe she'd laugh at me. I didn't care. I needed her to know.

******************************

Two miserably long weeks went by. No word from Finn. He told me there wouldn't be much. He didn't want anything connecting him to me while he was off doing whatever he needed to do.

I got a phone call early Sunday morning, waking me from a restless sleep.

Devil Incarnate flashed over my phone.

"Hello?" I asked nervously.

"I'm back," he said, "when can I see you?"

I let out a shaky breath, trying not to cry. "Family dinner?" Relief flooded me.

He groaned. "Fine."

I laughed into the phone.

"Kay," he said, voice gruff, "Don't wear any panties."

"Fuck off," I laughed, trying to fight the tears.

"See you soon, baby."

*******************************