All About Me

Despair

One year.

One year was all the doctors had given you to live. You weren't ready. We weren't ready.

Lost is how I feel. Scared is what I am. I know though, that I must hold it together for my husband.

His father is the most important person in his life other than me. And now we're faced with the very real possibility of losing you. You're like a father to me too, considering my dad has been off the good path for many years.

Cancer is a menace. It is vile and cruel. I wish it had never existed. I wish I could cure you.

I must try to keep my head high, for I do not know what tomorrow brings. Could be a year, could be less. It also could be more.

Time. Time is the answer to everything, yet it never seems like there is enough when it comes to someone or something you love. I wish for more time. I wish to rewind time. I wish time would stop. But wishing is useless against time...

Is it better to watch your loved ones die a slow painful death? To mourn them while they are still in your arms? To miss what you might have said even if you can still say it now but do not know the words yet?

Or is it better to be quick and unexpected? To never get to say goodbye? Or one last "I love you"? To never know how what they last wished to say?

No one knows. I certainly don't.

What I do know, though, is that I will try to enjoy every moment, every look, every laugh shared, and every tear cried I have left with you even if it is tinged bittersweet. For I love you like a father and know you love me as a daughter. It is more than I could have asked for. You are more than I could have asked for.

I know our time together has a limit. And that terrifies and devastates me. But I know that I don't know the exact day, hour, minute of your last breath which gives me hope that our time together is not yet over.

So much I wish to say but do not know how to express. I know this whole thing is jumbled and you'll probably never see it or know what I wrote but that is okay. You know how I feel in my heart. This just helps me express my fears and hopes without risk of judgment (not that you would) and tears.

I will miss your hugs. I will miss your nicknames for me like sugar. I will miss your sparing laughter and how when it happens you made the room light up because we all loved to hear you laugh and see you smile. I will miss your smell. You smell like determination. I will miss how you guide me without being angry or dismissive. I will miss your extensive knowledge on things. I will miss your advice. I will miss watching shows with you that we enjoy. I will miss you when i birth your grandchild and you are not here to see it. I will miss you when he is given your name. I will miss you when he takes his first steps. I will miss you when he asks about his namesake. I will miss you when he graduates and think of how proud you would be of him. I will miss you when he gets married and is so joyous. I will miss you when I get my degree in the medical field. I will miss you forever.