her ;; kanamafu

guilt

The world feels empty. Everything. I'm unaware if I'm even alive right now. I think I am, right? A million voices in my head. I can't get them out. It doesn't feel real. My body, the fact I'm here, alive. I feel light headed, dizzy, drowsy. I feel like I'm falling out of my own body. But I'm alive. I'm alive. I'm alive, right? As I look up I see a thousand versions of father, all looking at me with sad, scared eyes. I bury my face in my palms.
"I'm sorry... Father I... "
A million kanades, looking me with worried eyes. A thousand fathers, looking at me with scared eyes.
"I'm hallucinating ...I'm hallucinating... This isn't real... Father isn't there.. Kanades isn't there.."
I can't think straight. I'm scared. I'm extremely scared. A thousand fathers fall to the ground, blood squirting out of their chests, turning their blue shirts into red. Every Kanade gasps. I scream, a terrible, bloodcurdling scream. Guilt. Anxiety. Death. Every Kanade comes to me, touching my shoulder.
"I'm hallucinating.. I'm hallucinating.. I'm... "
I can't help feeling slightly comforted by even the illusion of Kanade touching my shoulder, smiling softly. I try to  breathe. My mind keeps replaying the image of my father's lifeless body, it's tortuous, endless. Oh my god. I dig my head deep into my knees.
"Asahina?" An voice asks. My vision sees it as Kanade, a blurry, distorted Kanade, but the voice is Shizuku's. I see it as Shizuku after a few seconds, but she's blurry and crooked.
"Hino.. Mo.. Ri..?" I whisper. Why is she here? Why is she here? Why is she here? To mock me? To kill Kanade? To laugh at my father's death? Why is she why is she why is she
"Are you alright?" She says. Her voice feels far away, like hearing somebody talking in a different room. "Mafuyu?" Her voice echoes in my mind. And I see another figure, my mother, two of them, blurry and thin, crooked as ever, behind Shizuku, both of them with knives-
"I'm hallucinating. I'm hallucinating. They stab Shizuku, but of course it doesn't kill her, it's just an illusion, it's just an illusion. I hope it..
"Kills her. " The two mothers behind Shizuku finish off my sentence.
"I don't. I don't wish it kills her." I say out loud, not on purpose, my words raspy.
"Mafuyu?" Shizuku lowers her face down to mine, and I can see her worried expression now, with her furrowed eyebrows and frowning mouth.
"Do you really hope it kills her? ", Three Kanades echo from behind, with worried, concerned faces, eyes cloudy.
" No! " I scream, covering my ears. I'm so tired, I feel as if I'm falling, falling down a long spiral.