ONLY ANGEL | JJ MAYBANK

EIGHTEEN... losing my religion

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

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It's funny how things sometimes come into full circle. For Collins, it didn't always seem to be that way.

So many things in her life had gone unfinished that it was hard to believe that an end was even possible.

Take her mom for example, who never got to live the full extent of her life that was to be expected. Her time on Earth had been cut short with so many things left undone or unseen; she never got to see her kids graduate high-school, never got to attend their weddings, and she will never hold her grandchildren in her arms. So many milestones missed because of a couple chemicals that her body couldn't bear to live without and because of that, there was an empty hole in their futures that could've been filled if she'd made a couple of wiser choices.

Collins supposed that she could say that after the death of her mom, she'd sort of come full circle, or as close of a stretch to one as she could get and not in a good way. From as early of an age as she could remember, Collins didn't exactly have parents- at least, not in the manner as most other kids did. Her parents were there, but they weren't doting, they weren't involved, they didn't care like parents should. As a little kid, Collins had felt like living under one household with her parents had been more as like cohabitaters as opposed to a true family. She lived at home and her mom and dad were still around, but they didn't really treat her like their own flesh and blood.

Then there were sporadic points in time during her childhood when Collins had felt loved and appreciated by her parents when they took the time to surprise her with little gifts; nothing crazy, just little things that made them think of her. It felt good to know that she crossed their minds sometimes, that she didn't have to stand in front of them to remind them that she existed. So not only was Collins invisible at school, but at home, too. Back then, being regarded was a greater gift than the actual gifts they'd given her.

But it was at that period of her life where Collins had once believed that there was hope for her parents. They could become better caregivers if they just put in the work, little by little. They were at a good start with the toys and the doting smiles, they just needed to ease their way up.

Only, the course of events hadn't fallen that way they should've and Collins and Charlie were left parent-less. And so things had come full circle; Collins had started with a neglectful mother and father from birth and fast-forward to the present, she still couldn't depend on them. Not when her mom wasn't even alive for redemption and she had zero faith that her dad was capable of such a thing. He'd left them almost immediately after they'd lost their mom, anyone who could just abandon their kids at a time like that couldn't possibly prove themself to be anything other than a deadbeat.

It had turned out to be what was best for Collins and Charlie, their dad leaving them. Maybe that was the whole point. He realized he couldn't be a good parent to them when he was with their mom even when she was sober let alone when she was high, it was a hopeless case that he could ever be a good dad. They were better off without both of them. She and Charlie had survived thus far, and they were much happier now that they didn't have to tiptoe around their parent's addictions. Collins had learned how to live without them, she'd gotten that idea down before they'd even actually left her.

And now, here Collins is, tucked in the corner of John B's van, unable to speak a word while JJ steers them to who knows where, still in a burning rage after what they'd been through. She doesn't know what to say or what to do because he wasn't acting like the person she'd had countless conversations with. He's almost acting like her mom when she was itching for a fix or her dad when he spilt beer. He's erratic, he's angry, he's impulsive and unpredictable. Collins doesn't know what to do except stay out of his line of fire.