I could barely sleep... Even after taking the pill and now it's 7 in the morning. Lin is still sleeping.
It's almost the end of summer not yet autumn. I dress casually in a blue T-shirt and black pants. it's Sunday I don't have work today. I will not see Porsche this weekend, I m sure he can sense smth is wrong with me. and I don't want him to start worrying about me again.
Lin is still asleep on the couch. I seek out going to grab breakfast from the bakery around the corner. They have freshly baked bread and breakfast sandwiches
Even on my loneliest days, this city comforted me. the few people I knew, had no idea who I was or where I came from. I could just play a character, I could be the person I have always wanted. I could act like. I was fine.
This city has no memories of you even if I was falling apart, even if all I wanted at the end of the day was to be beside you. I could just forget all about you during the day at least. these streets don't remind me of you, these people don't remind me of you and I could just pretend I was fine without you.
But maybe you had to show up once as you did. to show me the reality I was living in, how you have moved on and how happy you are with someone else. maybe I had to see you with someone, in love with someone to be able to move on and truly let you go.
By the time I was back with the breakfast. Lin had already woken up. " what took you so long, I thought you went to see chay without me," Lin says. he is standing near the couch drying his damp hair with a towel. Lin knows me pretty well, how I see Chay on most weekends. sometimes Lin would follow me there, Chay quite liked him so he didn't mind. " I just went out to get breakfast". I hesitate a bit, I know he will be asking questions. I don't know if I m ready to talk about it yet " we won't be seeing Porsche today....... how about let's go on our date today". he is now looking at me, his eyes curies with a hint of worry. " so today I get you all to myself for the whole day ". he says, with a smug face " I never said that ".
I don't know where he is driving to, or where he is taking me. I don't want to know. I want to feel like he knows what I need right now. to get away from the city, the feeling of leaving behind the city lights as we drive past them... I want to be able to forget at least a tiny part of the past that I had to face... when I return.
I know what I m doing. giving myself and Lin a chance. I don't know why I caged myself for so many years by holding onto the love I left. I can't be mad at him. I should be happy that he is happy.
as I woke up from my sleep... I find myself alone in the car. when did I even fall asleep? and where the heck r we? I ask myself.
After getting out of the car the first thing I see is Lin setting up a small bonfire and a whole fucking tent. WTF is he doing?. as I walk closer to him I get a better view of the tent.. its open in the front with two chairs and a small table filled with food and a tiny stove. as the sun is setting down. the bonfire lighting up the place surrounding the tent.
"Porsche" I hear him call my name" you woke up," he said as he is walking close to me " r we staying here tonight" this place is fucking perfect but I don't know if I m ready to spend the night like this... with him.. yet. I m a little nervous now. and I think Lin can sense my nervousness." no we are not. we are going to have dinner and spend the rest of the evening here you have work tomorrow remember? "
Now that he reminded me of going back to the hotel staying here for the night doesn't seem so bad anymore. I m not sure if I want to go back to that place yet. Maybe I should stay here with him for a while longer.
Kinn
"Where is he now" Kinn's voice is calm and cold just like the past few years have been. "he is still with Lin, they are at Carson Beach right now." Kinn places the glass of whisky on the table " leave, and make sure to not lose him" build doesn't dare to say anything else. Bowing down, he takes his leave.
It's been a few months since I found him but I didn't know what to do. should I be in his life and bring him back to me... But he left me, he left my world of his own will. He didn't want any of it.
But wasn't it my fault that he felt so lost and undeserving of me when he is everything and more than I deserved? I m the one at fault, I m the one who couldn't hold onto him.
