The Last Wondering

Chapter 03

I like being a cashier. I like that I'll just stand up here and take an order. You know, there's just a little movement, which means less pagod. I get to rest if there's no customer. Unlike crews who need to be hands-on on almost everything. They need to assist customers, serve them their beverages and food, and, ugh, clean! They have to clean the table and do dishes when the customers leave. They are probably the busiest in this cafe. Tinitignan ko pa lang sila ako na 'yung napapagod para sa kanila.

But because my mind is a mess right now, and it's a great job for stopping your mind from wandering.

I swapped jobs with Carlo for a change.

I was mopping the whole cafe while there's just two customers at the moment. It's a convenient time to clean, honestly. 

"Miss." Napatingin ako sa nagsalita. It's Rio or Van, the person who always has a pile of books on his table. He keeps saying, "Miss." But medyo malayo siya sa akin so I put my attention back to the map. I don't know why I agreed to swap with Carlo. Ang hirap maglinis! Bakit ba kasi ang dudumi ng mga sapatos ng mga pumasok dito? 

I stopped mapping when suddenly there was the deafening sound of a sliding chair. Pag angat ko ng tingin nasa harap ko si Rio. Or Van.

He just stared at me, so I asked him, "Y-yes?"

Why am I stuttering?

Oh. It's because he looks like he'll kill me!

And why does he want to kill me?

And why does it matter if he'll kill me? I mean, I'm already… dying.

Litong lito ko siyang tinignan.

"I repeatedly call you," he said. He doesn't look annoyed, but I don't know why his aura screams he'll kill me.

Tumingin ako sa paligid then I looked at him. "Ako 'yon?" I asked, pointing my finger at myself. Ako 'yung tinatawag niya?

"So naririnig mo," he said, then closed his eyes for a moment.

"Hindi ko alam na ako pala tinatawag mo. What do—" I stopped talking because he started walking to the counter.

I gasped. Did he just walk out while l was still talking?

Sinundan ko siya and I don't even know why. Maybe because I didn't do anything tapos ang rude niya? I don't know. But I watched as Carlo gave him our paper straw. He thanked Carlo and he smiled at him. Bakit ang taray niya sa 'kin?

Nang maglakad na siya papunta sa upuan niya, I walked with him and confronted him. "What's your problem, sir?" I asked. Wala naman akong ginagawa tapos makatingin siya sa 'kin. It's like he's going to kill me or something.

"Nothing," he said, not looking at me. He put his straw in his black coffee. He starts stirring it.

"Are you sure, sir?" I inquire. Kasi if it's nothing then why is he like that? But he just shook his head while still stirring his coffee. I sighed. "Sir, I know you're a regular here, but it's just really rude to talk to someone then turn your back while that person is still talking."

He stopped stirring then he turned to face me. "What's rude is locking eyes with the person who's been calling you several times, then pretending you didn't hear that person calling you."

Natawa ako. He looked at me with a crease in his forehead. So I stopped laughing. "Malay ko bang ako tinatawag mo," I said. "Sir," I added after a few seconds, kasi ayoko naman mawalan ng trabaho.

"It's obvious," he uttered.

I scan his table. It's full of books… books related to law. What a funny coincidence. I looked at him. "For someone who's studying law, I think you're assuming things easily, sir," I said. His lips parted.  Gusto ko sana mag sorry dahil hindi ako assumera at hindi ko naisip na ako 'yung tinatawag niya pero hindi ko na lang sinabi. Hindi ko naman kasalanan na 'di ako assumera. At malay ko ba? Masyado kaya general ang Miss. "Anyway, ano po ang kailangan ninyo at tinawag n'yo 'ko?" I asked.

He remained silent. He fixed his black-framed eyeglasses and stared at me. He looks irritated and amused at the same. But I don't care. I just want to clear the misunderstanding so he'll stop looking at me like he'll kill me. Ang bothering kaya pag may nakatingin sayo tapos galit pa.

"Nothing. I already got my straw," he said, then started reading something.

"Okay. Enjoy reading, sir," I said, smiling kahit nakakainis siya. I left him be and started mapping again. 'Yung inis ko sa pagka brusko niya ibinuhos ko na lang sa sahig.

My mapping session was halted because someone was getting in the way. "Jazel," Carlo said while standing in my way.

"Bakit?" I asked. I'm finally enjoying mapping but he's getting in the way.

"Kanina ka pa nag mamap ng sahig."

"And?" I replied. I mean, mapping the floor wasn't bad like I always thought. Nawawala 'yung mga naiisip ko kasi nakafocus ako sa dumi sa sahig. All I can say is maganda ang soap powder na ginagamit ng Dreams Cafe because all the dirt is gone. I wonder if I should buy the same brand for mama.

"And malinis na. Tatlong beses ka na ata umikot. 'Wag ka na raw maglinis."

I frowned before I put the tools back in the staff room.

Umupo sa tabi ko si Carlo. "You're the cashier," I stated. As far as I know we swapped for a day. And obviously the counter is not in the staff room.

"Break time." I just nodded. "May sakit ka ba?" He suddenly asked.

I froze for a few moments then I glanced at him. "Why?"

"Wala lang, parang sobrang putla mo ngayon."

I looked at my wrist. Maputi naman ako naturally but he's right. Iba ang puti ko ngayon.

"Okay ka lang ba?" He asked, a bit concerned.

I gave him a small smile. "Oo," I said before I excused myself and went to the restroom. I looked at the mirror. I stared at myself for quite a long time, before I finally realized na mukha na talaga akong may sakit. I mean, yes may sakit nga ako but hindi ko naman alam na mukha na pala akong multo. I decided to put on some powder and lipstick.

When I'm finally satisfied with how I look, lumabas na ako. Pero bigla akong napatigil kasi lumabas din si Rio or Van sa kabilang restroom. His gaze was once again giving a death threat. I ignored him at darestong naglakad. Kung hindi lang ako nagtatrabaho dito at hindi ko kailangan ng pera inirapan ko na siya. 

"Anong ginawa mo?" Kristine, who doesn't like me, asked me. Hindi ako sumagot. "Ang puti mo pala."

"I know," I said, then started doing my job. I guess, the make up didn't conceal how pale I was.

"Gumagamit ka ba ng pampaputi?"

My eyebrows furrowed. "No."

"Talaga? Ang puti mo sobra!"

I shook my head.

"Oo kaya."

"Maputla ako," I said, stating the obvious. "Magkaiba ang maputi sa maputla."

"Gusto ko ganyan akong kaputi," she uttered, completely ignoring what I had just say. 

"If only you know," I mumbled to myself. It takes leukemia to make my skin look like this. Like pale-pale away from dying.

"If only ano?" She asked.

If only you know what took me to have this ghostly skin.

I looked at her, wondering if I should say my thoughts.

"Ano?" Tanong niya, hindi makapag hintay.

"Whatever it takes?" I asked instead. Suddenly curious if she'll be willing to do whatever it takes to have this kind of skin.

She nodded. "Pangarap ko kaya ganyang kulay. Ano bang ginagawa mo para maging ganyang kaputi?"

I just stared at her. I don't know why I dislike her answer and how she said it so casually. It sounds like I did something to be this pale and I'm gatekeeping whatever products I use. But I didn't want my skin to be like this. However, I'm just going to think that maybe, it's because she doesn't think about the possibilities.

The possibility that not everything you see that seems good is actually good.