v. / tell me anything - park sunghoon

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by writerrly

by writerrly

I retracted my hands, leaning away from Sunghoon. "No... I don't want to... I can't." Words tumbled messily out of my mouth as I tried to avoid his inquiry.

You can tell me anything, (Name).

"Tell me anything." Those words. People always say that to console me, to get me to open up, to let me know I could trust them. But there was always something that seemed to be blocking the way, an invisible obstacle I couldn't jump over, like four walls enclosing me in its cramped space. 'Walls' that shun me away from everyone, like strong tape that sealed my vocal box shut.

I could never bring myself to confide in anyone, not after so many people betrayed my trust. Yet, here I am, sitting in front of a friend of mine. I awkwardly fidgeted and fumbled with my fingers as I examined his demeanour. His cheeks shone with a calm, reassuring smile as his eyes glowed with warmth. His hands, previously clinging onto mine, are now placed on his lap. Sunghoon politely fixed his posture, leaned closer to me and quietly whispered,

I'm listening.

Listening. I know how it feels to listen to someone. I've been a listener, all those years before I became the talker. I still am a listener, but now... it feels different. I can understand others, but I don't think others understand me. That feeling sucks. Everytime I open up to someone, they always end up going against me. I hate it.

I felt a lump in my throat and I tried to swallow it down. I didn't want to break down just yet, I don't want poor Sunghoon to see how I actually feel...

"(Name)... are you okay? You're crying." he said, cupping my face as he used a tissue to wipe my tears.

The three words. The phrase that pulls my trigger. No... No, I am not okay. I want to vent to you and release all this weight on my shoulders, but I can't bring myself to trust you, Sunghoon. I don't trust you enough, I'm sorry. You're a good friend, I like you, platonically? Anyways, nonetheless, that doesn't break down any of the four suffocating 'walls' around me.

I turned away from him. Get out of my sight, I wanted to say, but I didn't want to hurt his precious heart. He's just trying to help, and I know that. I won't let my issues get the best of me, I don't want history to repeat itself - I don't want to accidentally break anyone else's heart. I don't want to lose a friend again. Yes, again. It happened more than once already.

I swiped the tears off my face. I straightened my posture and looked blankly at Sunghoon, who had a deeply concerned expression written across his face. I sighed, finally responding, "It's okay, Hoon. I don't really want to talk about it right now."

"Are you sure? It doesn't seem okay-"

"Yeah... yeah I'll be fine."

"Alright, that's okay. You can always talk to me when you're more comfortable." Sunghoon said, softly smiling. He rose from his seat and exited, leaving the room to myself. I remained seated as I glanced out the window, admiring the mesmerising view outside.

The sun, about to set, peeked from within the clouds, illuminating the room in an orange-ish hue. The sunlight blinded my vision and I used my hand to shield my eyes. The atmosphere felt peaceful. I breathed in and out slowly, eyes closing as I decided to savour this rare moment of tranquility. I pushed the thought of what happened just now aside. I cleared my head and calmed down. It's honestly been a while since I felt this calm... I've forgotten how nice it feels.

( google document version:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cQAGP2zO9QzK14B1TeAN8yIDdJUa0-BxGRXmpwmjzsI/edit?usp=drivesdk )