THE ONE WHO GOT AWAY.

But, he was perfect.

He was perfect.

I bet everyone who is in love says that about the one they love but this was different. He had eyes as beautiful as the sunrise and lips that promised mischievous laughter with a dose of a sexy smirk. When I first saw him I felt like I had finally found a breath of air after months of looking. I swear I died a little when we matched on my Tinder profile, it felt like fate. Or maybe that was just the hormones going to my head.

I sent a quick text. "You have the nicest eyes," it said.

He quickly replied, "Thank you😍. Yours are amazing too."

This time I completely lost my breath because I thought, he really didn't have to say that but he chose to. When I pointed out that little fact to him, he insisted that he meant it. And then I died a little more. We started texting back and forth and every time I expected him to block me or ghost me because I had said the wrong thing but that never happened. The conversation was light, funny and downright relieving. It felt good to feel so comfortable in my own skin while talking to a handsome stranger. After months of feeling like shit, I finally didn't feel like a worthless pile of garbage anymore.

I smiled and laughed and giggled like a silly high schooler with her first crush even though am a grown woman who should act better. I didn't mind though; being silly, or not acting my age. I was on a high and that's all that mattered. I had never known that conversation could be more intoxicating than alcohol until this moment. I felt that I had earned myself this break after ages in pain and maybe I really had.

At first, when I swiped right, it was all about what he looked like, until he texted back that is. That is when I discovered that the real gold lay not in his looks but in his charms. A well mannered, humble, mature guy fully capable of expressing himself. Someone who did not act like they were too good for me or like talking to me was a big charity. I almost cried then, but I did not.

I made a few jokes. I will tell you this, am not at all that funny but somehow he understood my sense of humour and retaliated with his own. It was like an elegant match of table tennis, though I suck at the real game. It didn't matter that we were strangers, or that this was probably never going to be anything more. All that mattered was the moment where we were in a perfect little bubble where everything was perfect and untainted.

The first innuendo dropped in after the conversation had taken a nice course of its own. I didn't flinch when I saw it, or get the urge to run like I normally would. I looked right past, made another joke and kept talking. He said nothing about the obvious evasion which was another brownie point to him. However, that ship had sailed and there was no turning back anymore.

Somehow, the conversation shifted gears to a more serious direction but even then I was not worried. His energy was so beautiful and real that I knew I didn't have to get defensive or fetch my big guns. I just let the conversation wear itself down on this path and when it got to the crossroads I'd make the right decision. The crossroads came sooner than I hoped, though.

When we both said we wanted a serious relationship it was nice for the split second before we both acknowledged the impossibility of it all. He wanted a sexual relationship while I did not. Neither of us was at fault for wanting different things. Right now it was quite alright that we wanted the opposite of each other. However, if we proceeded into a relationship then someone would wind up getting hurt. I pointed this out casually, like my throat wasn't closing up with intense emotion.

His response was as sweet as always, "you're right. I wish you the best as you look for the person that you want."

I read and reread the best and worst text message I had ever gotten. It was good because I was relieved that we wouldn't be getting into a messy situation just because of a crazy chemistry. Yet it was bad because it meant once again I had lost in the lottery of love. I didn't know whether to cry or laugh or to just shake my head dramatically and sight heavily. I think I did a little bit of all. And then I thought to myself, why not write this down, so here I am.

I still cannot wrap my head around the fact I just found the most amazing person only to be stopped by one thing. I am quite happy though. This is a win for me, a very big win. In this whole game of love, I have lost quite a lot; my confidence, dignity, self respect, my faith in God, my optimism, my mental health, just to name a few. I have had to haggle and negotiate just to get a drop of love. Getting to a place where am able to let a potential partner go because it is not the right time is a big milestone. So maybe tonight am not just counting losses but big wins too.

Cheers to growth.

One day, maybe soon, probably not soon, I will find the one and it won't be complicated or the wrong time.

With my luck though, I might as well start finding cute names for the 17 cats I will own. Zara sounds like a nice name for my first born, no? She will be a diva, with a bad attitude. She will probably leave a lot of scratch marks on my arms but even then I will probably love her the most. And there will be Haven, sweet cuddly and always hungry.

Oh wait. Did I just start naming my imaginary cats and assigning them characters? I really should get some shut eye, insomnia doesn't look too good on me.

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Author's note
Hello my dear readers,

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